Quotable Quotes (eps 117-120)

117. "Patriot Games" by David Slack

SLATE: Whatever happens, Lieutenant, don't let the Epic 1 veer off course. Time travel has too many variables.
DWAYNE: Speaking of variables....
SLATE: Relax. Rusty's back at Quark. I told him this flight was "Grownups Only".

BIG GUY: Handles like a dream -- and has that new time machine smell.

DWAYNE: Mechanic on duty!

DWAYNE: Gotta swap out that regulator before we land in King Arthur's Court.

RUSTY: Are we there yet?

SQUILLACHI: One unauthorized transport and one unauthorized automaton: 2 counts of illegal technology. Where is your work collar, Earthman?
DWAYNE: The cleaners?
SQUILLACHI: You are guilty of subversion against the Grand Squillachi Empire! Destroy the bipeds!

DWAYNE: You had to go the only place fish can fly.

RUSTY: Lieutenant Dwayne, maybe we should go find Dr. Slate.
DWAYNE: If there is a Dr. Slate.

DWAYNE: According to the Squid City directory, this is the place.

ALT-SLATE: [gasps] Who are you?
DWAYNE: I'm, uh... [straightens to military posture] Lieutenant Dwayne Hunter. I...I was on board a time ship that you helped build.
ALT-SLATE: [grabbing weapon and training it on him] You're not wearing a work collar.
DWAYNE: Please. I won't hurt you. We know each other. [considers] At least, in another timeline we do.
[Alt-Slate considers this with narrowed eyes]
I can prove it! Rusty, come say hi to the doc.
RUSTY: Dr. Slate? Ooh, you're all scuzzy.
[Alt-Slate puts weapon down]
ALT-SLATE: Why, this can't be!
RUSTY: And you're talking funny.
ALT-SLATE: [kneels to look in Rusty's head] May I?
RUSTY: Go for it.
ALT-SLATE: Recursive neural networks. Nucleo-proton conduits. Basic human emotions! He is precisely what I've been trying to build. Lieutenant...Hunter, is it? I'm listening.

HUNTER: Then we get separated from Big Guy when the ship ruptures, and when we get home, everybody talks like Prince Charles, and octopi rule the world.

RUSTY: Come on. Big as a house, steel-plated, blasters that pop out all over the place? You can't miss him!

ALT-SLATE: Iron Jack was the clockwork titan who defended against the American revolt. He led British forces to victory at the Battle of Lexington and Concord, and again at Fort Ticonderoga.
DWAYNE: But the Americans won those battles! And robot technology didn't exist back then.
RUSTY: Yeah, and Big Guy would never fight against Americans!
ALT-SLATE: Obviously, when your Big Guy crash-landed 200 years ago, he was found by someone loyal to the Crown.
DWAYNE: Who climbed inside and....
[Rusty gasps]
Uh...reprogrammed him.

ALT-SLATE: A massive explosion occurred at Bunker Hill, which ended the conflict in favor of the British -- and made a legend of Iron Jack. The cause of the explosion remains a mystery to this day.
DWAYNE: Power core overload.

DWAYNE: History's broken. We need to fix it.

RUSTY: No squishy-fishies.

DWAYNE: Okay. We find the ship and assess which of the damaged systems are mission-critical.
[They find the ship]
Or, the aliens could fix it for us.

DWAYNE: Back on the bus, Rusty.
ALT-SLATE: Good luck.
RUSTY: Dr. Slate! You're not coming?
ALT-SLATE: And risk meeting myself in an alternate reality? Time travel has too many variables.
DWAYNE: But the Squillachi!
ALT-SLATE: I'm confident you will see to it that none of this ever happened.
DWAYNE: Count on it, Doc.

DWAYNE: Was he saying....?
RUSTY: "The British are coming."
DWAYNE: You just KO'd Paul Revere.
DWAYNE: Here's your first history lesson. Fly that way, and don't stop yelling, "The British are coming."

DWAYNE: What do you know? Kid's a psychic.
[dragging unconscious guy out of sight]
Honor to meet you, Mr. Revere.

BRITISH OFFICER: Your uniform is an outrage. Your waistbelt plate is crooked; your vest should not tuck under your breeches. If you wish to serve in His Majesty's forces, you had better learn to dress properly.

DWAYNE: Mr. Revere, I have to borrow your ride. Hyah!

DWAYNE: Don't suppose I get a phonecall.

RUSTY: But I'm not a Redcoat! Hel-looo, these are red pants?

RUSTY: I could have beat 'em, easy. But I didn't think Big Guy would like me fighting Americans.
DWAYNE: Well, Iron Jack is on the march. How do you feel about zapping this wall?
RUSTY: I'm comfortable with that.

BIG GUY...er, IRON JACK: Get thee back, ye rebel rogues!

IRON JACK: Foolish deed, mutineers.

IRON JACK (to Rusty): Begone, boy. I've a battle to wage.
[to Dwayne] Straighten that sword knot.
[to the world] For King and country, I'll teach these thankless Yanks to respect His Majesty!

DWAYNE: You're bomb squad; I'll take care of Jolly Jack.

IRON JACK: Take that, ye tatterdemalions!

IRON JACK: What's this, then?
DWAYNE: An old friend, droppin' in.

DWAYNE: Listen carefully. I know you're in there. This technology is beyond your understanding. Without proper handling, the power core will overload. The suit will destroy you.
IRON JACK: No. It will destroy you.

IRON JACK: Now. Where is that rebel apostate?

DWAYNE: Noone tells a lieutenant of the US military how to dress.

BIG GUY: Stand down, son. I'm back in the saddle. God bless America!

SQUILLACHI: Our future must be preserved. Eliminate the Americans!

BIG GUY: They came prepared. Have to go mano a tentacle.

BIG GUY: Let freedom ring!
[Destruction ensues, and familiar-looking bell is cracked.]
So that's how it happened.

BIG GUY: Don't mind the seafood. Now, fight amongst yourselves.

MINUTEMAN: General Washington, sir, what are they?
GEORGE: Americans.

RUSTY: Big Guy, where's Lieutenant Dwayne?
DWAYNE: Uhhhhhh....
BIG GUY: Time travel's a wily thing, son. But trust me, he'll be waiting for us back home.

SLATE: Big Guy's three minutes overdue.

RUSTY (to Slate): You're not talking funny!
BIG GUY: Which means we're back in the good old U.S. of A. Kiss the ground, son.

118. "Harddrive"

by Eddie Guzelian

BIG GUY: We're on our way, General. ETA: 60 seconds.
THORTON: That'll be 59 seconds too late.

HARDDRIVE: I am Harddrive. Bear witness to my first campaign.
[Pause for destruction]
So ends Campaign #1.

THORTON: Much obliged.

SLATE: Most likely American-made. It's definitely not Ex Machina, but it's radically advanced. Five, maybe ten years ahead of anything we have...Weapons-wise, anyway.

RUSTY: I could've gotten to that big bug first...if I had my own rocketship.
SLATE (tiredly): Rusty, don't start.
RUSTY: Aw, give me one good reason.
SLATE: You can fly.
RUSTY: Big Guy can fly, and he has a rocketship.
SLATE: Didn't I just build you a nucleo-protonic surge protector?
RUSTY: That's all you ever make for me. Boring stuff!
[sighs] No turbo snowmobile, no cybernetic rescue dog, no invisible submarine....

JENNY: Knock, knock!
JENNY: Dr. D asked me to flaunt the newest member of Team Quark.
[Harley looks snarly.]
DWAYNE (with slow anger and balling fists]: Griffin. Harley Griffin.
GRIFFIN: Well, well, well, if it isn't Lieutenant Dwayne Hunter.
JENNY (happily): Ssss. Catfight!
DWAYNE: Always hoped I'd run into you again, Griffin.
GRIFFIN: Well, here I am.
[They circle each other with fists raised and then suddenly hug and laugh. Jenny looks surprised, dismayed, and disappointed.]
DWAYNE: Aeh, Griff, what are you doin' here?
GRIFFIN: Earnin' a livin', my wingman!
DWAYNE: Aw, nice to see ya!
JENNY (leaving in disgust): Monkey don't do warm and fuzzy.

SLATE: And in what capacity will you be joining us, Mr. Griffin?
GRIFFIN: Engineer. Special Projects.
RUSTY: Ooh, ooh! I have a special project for ya! [Hands Griffin his notebook of drawings.]
SLATE (tsking warningly): This isn't about you.
GRIFFIN: [Whistles] That's one sweet-lookin' machine. How 'bout I run it by my R&D guys? [Puts notebook away in his lab coat.]
RUSTY: Really? Cool!
[Slate stands with folded arms and the motherly Look Of Doom on her face.]
GRIFFIN: Meantime, I can see Rusty has another serious equipment problem.
RUSTY: I do?
GRIFFIN: This glove has not been properly broken in. [Winks]
[Rusty is delighted, and Slate mellows.]

SLATE: You two go back.
DWAYNE: From my first day of flight training...until the start of the Big Guy Project.
SLATE: According to his file, Griffin quit the service right after the BGY-11 was manufactured.
DWAYNE: Big Guy was conceived to be a robot. Griff advocated the superiority of man over machine -- believed machines need pilots. Too bad he can't ever know how things turned out.
SLATE: If Griffin's so anti-robot, what's he doing working for a robotics company?
DWAYNE: Been a few years. People change.

GRIFFIN: So there's Lieutenant Hunter, hiding in the corner of the Officer's Club, and he's still got the dress and wig on, right? When out of nowhere, our CO --
DWAYNE: Colonel Sayles.
GRIFFIN: ..."Tough-as-Nails" Sayles -- he struts up to Hunter, and we think, "That's it. We're busted." But instead, he holds out his hand and says, "Care to dance?"
[Griffin and Dwayne burst out laughing. Mack laughs too. Jo laughs and yawns, and Garth continues to snooze.]
DWAYNE: Last time I wear a dress on a friendly bet. I got four months of KP duty for that little stunt! They almost threw you out of the service for...[sobers] that one.
GRIFFIN (coldly): Imagine. They could have saved me the trouble.

RUSTY: It's no darn fair. I never get to drive!

BIG GUY: Attention mutant shoppers! I'm having a Red-White-and-Bluelight Special on bug repellant! [fires] In fact, I'm giving it away!

BIG GUY: A pair of piping hot sidewinders should make all sales final.

RUSTY: It's that Hardhead bot! Cool!
BIG GUY: He's a ball hog.

HARDDRIVE: So ends the second campaign.
BIG GUY: Second and final, fancypants, unless your hardware happens to be registered with the US military.

RUSTY: Does it have gadgets and gizmos and weapons and a CD player?
GRIFFIN: It's full of surprises.

SLATE: The bad news is, the beetles destroyed thus far have been scouts.
BIG GUY (holding up three fingers): They're thrifty, resourceful, and cannot tell a lie?

BIG GUY: Too many eggs are bad for the cholesterol count.

BIG GUY: I'm off to crown a queen.

GRIFFIN: C'mon. Let the kid have some fun.
SLATE: Not when he's flying a mission in a vehicle that has not been field-tested!
GRIFFIN: Won't let it happen again, Doc. Promise.

GRIFFIN: Now I've got to get a move on, before Old Man Donovan sics his monkey on me.

RUSTY: Okey-doke. Where are the afterburners....

BIG GUY: I feel another campaign coming on.

BIG GUY (to Harddrive): Always in my line of fire.

HARDDRIVE: Bear witness to campaign #3: your destruction.
BIG GUY: Rain check on that one, Curly. There's a lot of lives at stake if I don't scramble some eggs.
HARDDRIVE: The choice is not yours to make.

RUSTY: Woo hoo! Legend Jr. to Legend-1. Looky what I got!

RUSTY: Approaching target. Approaching it awful darned fast!

BIG GUY: What part of "I don't have time for this" don't you understand?

HARDDRIVE: You need not worry. I will protect the citizens.

RUSTY: Turn over, you crummy little hunk of junk!
[hugging controls and apologizing] Oh, I'm sorry, rocket. I didn't mean it.

BIG GUY: So why the grudge? Who programmed you?
BIG GUY: Just between us bots, that ain't possible.
HARDDRIVE: Isn't it? I possess a human brain. I am fighting proof of the superiority of man over machine.
DWAYNE (suddenly guessing the truth): Griff?
BIG GUY: Time to see what you've got under the hood, chief.

HARDDRIVE: So ends the final campaign.
BIG GUY: You don't know how right you are.
[Explosive brings down a canyon on top of Harddrive.]
DWAYNE: Now stay put before you really get hurt, Griff.

BIG GUY: Hail to the queen.

BIG GUY: That's right. Plenty of lovin' for everyone.

BIG GUY: We'll have to candygram the whole mountain.

SLATE: Lieutenant, I've got scoop.

HARDDRIVE: Humans possess one ability robots never will -- the willingness to fight dirty when the situation dictates.

HARDDRIVE: A robot might fall for that.

RUSTY: Harddrive wasn't really a robot, right?
SLATE: Harddrive was Griffin, inside a pretend robot.
RUSTY: Sheesh! Well, that oughta teach him to take on real robots, like me and Big Guy!

RUSTY: So, since my rocket blew up, you'll build me that invisible submarine I always wanted, right?
SLATE: Absolutely not.

GRIFFIN: They say with good behavior I'll be out in ten -- but when have I ever behaved?

GRIFFIN: I expected you to quit the BGY Project when I did.

GRIFFIN: The Big Guy saved my life, even when I was trying to destroy him. No human would have done that.
DWAYNE (after he's gone): You'd be surprised, Griff.

119. "The 5000 Fingers of Rusty"

by Alexx Van Dyne

DONOVAN: Behold, Jenny. Quark's mass market breakthrough.
JENNY: That's what you said about your meat-flavored toothpaste.
DONOVAN: Just zip it.

DONOVAN: It's alive! Alive and...walking.
JENNY: Aren't they supposed to spit up and say "Dadda" first?

JENNY: Guess the bot's out of the bag.

DONOVAN: Well, opinion polls suggest that Joe Consumer loves Rusty the Boy Robot.
RUSTY: He does?
DONOVAN: Got to give Joe what he wants, so meet Home Version Rusty! Imagine -- a little robot helper in every home.

DONOVAN: No fear with Rusty Lite, sugarpop. He may walk and talk like the original --
JENNY (opening Home Version's chest): But he runs on alkaline.

JENNY: Think we should advertise the size of his impact crater?

COMMERCIAL: Quark Industries, the people who brought you Rusty the Boy Robot, now introduce the latest in domestic technology -- Home Version Rusty! Switch him on, and he's rarin' to do the dishes, bring in the groceries, and make learning fun.
But wait, there's more! Home Version Rusty also comes with all the accessories he needs to mow the lawn, trim the hedge, wash the car, even clean up after your pet.
HOME VERSION RUSTY: No smell receptors!
COMMERCIAL: Home Version Rusty's a lamp - a portable icebox - a juicer - a home security system - a doorstop - a paperweight - and a basketball. Home Version Rusty even entertains!
[HVR plays banjo, juggles, and does magic tricks]
Now how much would you pay?
He's sweet as pie;
He's never mean.
Home Version Rusty
Helps you clean.
COMMERCIAL: Home Version Rusty. No batteries included. Some assembly required. Incapable of flying or defeating monsters.

JO: Situation.
GARTH: Domestic?

RUSTY: Big Guy, can't you recognize me? The nose!

BIG GUY: Just between us professionals -- we do monsters, not home repairs.

BIG GUY: What seems to be the trouble here, little bot?
HVR: I'm gonna destroy you and stuff!

BIG GUY: That's why they call them knockoffs.

RUSTY: Big Guy, that doesn't sound like me.
BIG GUY: Not unless your name is Rusty Ex Machina.

BIG GUY: It's factory recall time!

RUSTY: Guys, listen up! It's me! Rusty Senior!
[breathes heavily]
[in Vader voice] I am your father.

BIG GUY: Son, nothing personal. [starts destroying HVRs]
RUSTY: Ooh. I'm sure glad they don't have pain receptors.

BIG GUY: Wily little kamikazes.

RUSTY: All right, you bad boys! Eat green...stuff!

RUSTY: The Big Guy signal!
BIG GUY: Go figure.

DWAYNE: Problem, Doc?
SLATE (with fear): Right here, right now.

HVR: Getting in our way is no darned good.

DONOVAN: Jenny, this is terrible. What if their owners demand refunds?
JENNY: No biggie -- 'cause we'll be dead by then!

NUMBER ONE: We have the technology.

NUMBER TWO: Who would have imagined evil could have a face so...cute?

BIG GUY: Your buddies have a spiffy new clubhouse -- complete with hostages, no doubt.

BIG GUY: Tag. You're it.

BIG GUY: We can find the link, or I can coldcock 5000 Rusty wannabes.

BIG GUY: That means someone will have to go undercover.

BIG GUY: Just be yourself, son.

HVR: Gotta be a reject, though. His nose is all wrong.
RUSTY: Reject? I'm the original, you knock-me-offs, and I've got the good...nose.

BIG GUY: I'm goin' in.
BIG GUY: I can't blend in with the crowd, so I'll just have to be myself!

BIG GUY: Candygram for the Lollipop Guild!

BIG GUY: I don't think they're breaking for naptime.

NUMBER THREE: Soon New Tronic City will be vacant real estate --
NUMBER TWO: A prime location on which to build Robotopia.

BIG GUY: Sweet flying hotlinks!
DWAYNE (to Slate): Looks like an air raid. Still no sign of Rusty or the grenade. Unless....

BIG GUY: Kid reminds me of me.

BIG GUY: Quarterback drops back to pass! 250 yards. 275. 300!
RUSTY: Three hundred and one!
BIG GUY: Touchdown.

RUSTY: Dr. Slate, you think Joe Consumer hates me now, 'cause of what all those bad Rustys did?
SLATE: Of course not, Rusty. You're one in a million.

120. "The Champ"

by Eddie Guzelian

PO: Bring forth this planet's mightiest champion, so that Po the Obliterator might beat him down in humiliating defeat.

PO: Please tell Po that these contraptions are not your heartiest combatants. (laughs) Surely this world has some warrior who is worthy of Po the Obliterator's attention.
RUSTY: We sure as shootin' do, mister. And his name's Big Guy. Big Guy the, the...Really Tough Fighting Guy!

PO: Very well. Po the Obliterator shall do battle with 'Big Guy the Really Tough Fighting Guy'. If Po loses, he shall leave in peace. But if Po wins, he shall add this Big Guy to his trophy case.
RUSTY: Well, you ain't gonna win, 'cause Big Guy's the greatest!
PO: Ha! Po has heard bold words from many champions on many worlds -- champions who now say very little.

BIG GUY: Listen up, Po. I'll fight to keep this country free. I'll fight so it's safe for decent people to walk their dogs after dark. I'll even fight to eliminate the designated hitter rule from baseball. But I won't fight to provide cheap thrills for some sick freak.

PO: Po will make this very clear. Big Guy will fight Po -- or Po will destroy Earth.

PO: See the pretty mountain? Oops....

RUSTY: Big Guy, he's a jerk!

MACK: Diagnostic gear's ready, skipper. Whaddaya want checked out?
DWAYNE: Everything. Twice.

[Jo and Garth are asleep on the floor; Garth's snoring. Mack's checking a clipboard. Dwayne is rubbing his eyes. Mack puts hand on Dwayne's shoulder.]
MACK: Grab some shuteye, chief. Big day tomorrow.
SLATE (voiceover): Hello?
[Dwayne and Mack look around. Slate and Rusty are standing in the door of the bunkroom.]
Rusty...wouldn't power down until he wished Big Guy good luck.
DWAYNE (reminding Rusty): Big Guy's in shutdown mode?
RUSTY: But he can still hear me, right?
MACK: I don't think so....
DWAYNE (cutting Mack off): He can hear you.
RUSTY (flies up to Big Guy's 'ear'): I know you can beat him, Big Guy.
[Dwayne watches, his mouth hanging open at the kid's faith. Mack looks worried, while Slate is pensive.]
I absolutely, posilutely know it!
[Dwayne's face hardens with determination, while Slate looks sad and worried for them both.]

[The name of the abandoned company is "HARD Steel".]

PO: Po can't believe you fell for that. Po is embarrassed for you.
BIG GUY: You're about to feel more than that.

PO: Dee-licious.
BIG GUY: If you liked the appetizer, open wide for the family platter!

[Big Guy's stray shot breaks a water tank.]
PO: Thank you, but Po is not thirsty. Po has yet to break a sweat.

MACK: Big Guy's gone night-night.

PO: Po could continue, but he would hate to further damage his shiny new trophy.

PO: Po would stay and celebrate, but the locals never share his joy.

MITCH GIVENS, NTN: This is a very dark day -- the day the Big Guy went down for the count. True to his word, the intergalactic warrior Po the Obliterator departed with his 'trophy' just moments ago. Earth can heave a collective sigh of relief, but for how long? Who will defend our planet from the next threat?

GENERAL THORTON: We should consider this a victory, Lieutenant Hunter. We salvaged the only part of the Big Guy that is irreplaceable -- you.
DWAYNE: Well, I'm sure gonna miss my machine.

DWAYNE: Took me years to break it in.

RUSTY: The rescue mission you guys are planning? I'm gonna help.
SLATE: There isn't going to be any rescue mission. This meeting is about building a new Big Guy.
RUSTY (laughs): Dr. Slate, you are hilari...[sobers]...ous.

RUSTY: No! Big Guy may be a robot, but he's not just a collection of parts. He -- he's the greatest!

RUSTY: He'd risk his neck for any of you! Mmph!

SLATE: Rusty, you're putting the Earth at risk. Come back. Rusty!

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