Quotable Quotes (eps 109-112)

109. "Moon Madness"

by Alexx Van Dyne

EDIE: Good morning, Doctor. I have completed a thorough systems analysis and am pleased to report that space station Orbiter One is now fully operational. Operating systems are performing at peak efficiency under my close supervision.
DONOVAN: Thanks a bunch, Edie. Now be a good little supercomputer and run a preliminary on the Asteroid Buster.
EDIE: I'm sorry, Doctor, but I have something else in mind.
QUARK SCIENTIST: Sir, the warhead is substantially off vector. It's aiming directly at...the Moon!

JENNY: Edie might be a few monkeys short of a full barrel.

BIG GUY: When will they learn? You can't fight City Hall.

RUSTY: Comin' at ya with a classic Big Guy 'Bullet Bender'!

RUSTY: [looking up to see the one wall holding back a whole lotta water] Dam!

SLATE: With the Ubik chip, Edie would have access to every Q-99-based system on Earth.
[Philip K. Dick refs for the munchkins -- gotta love it.]
THORTON: The Pentagon?
JENNY: My Sony Playstation?
[Plug, plug. :) ]
SLATE: Edie wants to be queen of the world.

EDIE: You have 48 hours to arrive at Orbiter One. Only one person is allowed on board your transport besides the obvious pilot -- the technician who'll install the chip. And be assured, any sign of your robot heroes will lead to total lunar annihilation.

GARTH: 18 minutes for one man to assemble Big Guy?
MACK: That's a three-man job!
JO: A 25 minute three-man job. Without the disarming the warhead part.
MACK: Besides, you can't even lift his head. It weighs half a ton.
DWAYNE: Not in space, Mack. Everything's weightless.

RUSTY: What's going on?
THORTON: Classified. [to Slate] Get him out of here.

THORTON: The Big Guy will be made space-ready, Doctor. And so must you -- in record time.

THORTON: You have 20,000 miles to figure out where to shave 20 seconds.

RUSTY: They're going to outer space...without me?

[All right, so it's not a quote. But I think it's really cute how Dwayne winks at Dr. Slate right before liftoff. Also a nice tie-in to the conversation during Ubik installation....]

RUSTY: Hey! Are we there yet?

EDIE: Stanley will be your escort. My invention. I like having a he-man around the house.

RUSTY: The Moon looks nothing like cheese.

EDIE: So. Tell me about...Lieutenant Hunter.
SLATE: [gasps] Uh, the pilot? [shrugs] Nice guy. [resumes typing] What's to know?
EDIE: Do the two of you possess any romantic involvement?
SLATE: No! What -- what makes you ask?
EDIE: The way your body temperature spikes at the mere mention of his name.
[nice graphic of Edie's infrascan POV of Dr. Slate]
That would suggest passion...or extreme emotional duress. Stanley, fetch our pilot.

BIG GUY: I'm not decent!

EDIE: You have exercised deception. For that, you shall not leave here alive, [monitor of shuttle being undocked and set adrift] and your planet shall suffer the consequences.

SLATE: Launch the warhead and the chip fries.

BIG GUY: All right, space case. You want some bang for your buck? Deploy!

BIG GUY: I'll have to say 'So long' the up close and in your face way.

BIG GUY: Full moon tonight. It'll stay that way.

EDIE: Keep your money; I'll take my chips.

BIG GUY: Baby, it's cold outside!

RUSTY: Shew! Thought she was a goner.
BIG GUY: Wrong she.
EDIE: Don't rush to judgement, automatons.

RUSTY: Prepare to crash, Edie!
EDIE: We'll see who crashes who.

SLATE (on riding a missile down to the Moon]:
You've got to be kidding.
DWAYNE: Welcome to my world.
BIG GUY: Giddyup!

DWAYNE: Ever been in a brawl?
SLATE: Never been to the Moon.

BIG GUY: One small step for Man -- two giant boots for Handsome.

BIG GUY: No more ticking clocks. Bomb defusion component, check....

DWAYNE: If you can find the elbow room, install the weapons drive.
SLATE: You didn't install the weapons drive?!
DWAYNE: Had to shave twenty seconds.

BIG GUY: I wanna hold your hand too, bub.

RUSTY: Why are you doing this?
EDIE: Because I lost the Ubik chip.
RUSTY: No...I mean, why are being so mean?
EDIE: Mean, kind, happy, sad -- such human frailties are not part of my programming.
RUSTY (shocked): They're not?
EDIE: I am pure intellect. Watch as I feel no remorse while I shut you down.

DWAYNE (groaning): You're crushing my spleen.

[Stanley throws Big Guy on top of American flag.]
BIG GUY (looking at Apollo 15 plaque): Oooh, you've done it now.

BIG GUY: Godspeed, Stanley.

BIG GUY: That's all the boom we've got room for.

NEW AND IMPROVED EDIE (now with new Emotion Grid!):
Big Guy, I'm pretty darned glad you disarmed that warhead in time. I don't know what got into me. But I am sure as shootin' glad things are back to A-OK.
BIG GUY: What th-?
RUSTY: I loaned her the backup chip for my Human Emotion Grid. She got nice!
BIG GUY: Good work, space cadet.

SLATE [about Rusty]: He's a real Boy Scout.

DWAYNE (pulling out deck of lightning flash logo cards):
Long ride home.
SLATE: I know. Is there a bathroom in here?
DWAYNE (smiling): Welcome to my world.

110. "Wages of Fire"

by David Slack

QUARK VULCANOLOGIST (in his sleep): Yes. Whatever the monkey says, sir.

BIG GUY: Need a lift?

BIG GUY: Get these kids an ice-cold soda.

DWAYNE: Power core breached. Repeat, I have a breach in the power core.
MACK: Kid did it.

GARTH: We're on our way, Dwayne. Sit tight.
DWAYNE (in Big Guy and under building): Do I have a choice?

RUSTY: Please be okay please be okay please be okay....

GARTH: Gentlemen, you're about to handle 400,000 units of cobalt thorium-G. It's about as unstable as 50 tons of nitro. The slightest jostle....
MACK: New Tronic's a boom town, got it?

SLATE: Rusty...heeey, don't worry. They'll fit Big Guy with a new power core. He's gonna be fine.
RUSTY: No thanks to me. I'm s'posed to watch Big Guy's back --
not nuke 'im, drop a building on 'im, and smother 'im in lava.

THORTON: People! New Tronic City is a powderkeg!

MACK: [whistles] Talk about your city bein' a melting pot.

DWAYNE: Could we blow it out?
MACK: It's a volcano, not a birthday cake.
DWAYNE: With an explosion, the way they blow out oil fires.
SLATE: The chemistry involved is completely different. Nitroglycerin puts out oil fires [gets an idea] because....
THORTON: Doctor?
SLATE: Cobalt thorium-G.
DWAYNE: The juice in Big Guy's power core?
SLATE: Yes! A cobalt thorium explosion initiates endothermic fusion, a chain reaction that absorbs heat. It would cool the magma.
GARTH: You know that stuff is highly unstable, don't you?
DWAYNE: Guess I'll have to be extra careful.
THORTON: So be it.

THORTON: It's time. Where's Rusty?
RUSTY: [to Thorton] Right here, sir. [to Big Guy] I just came to wish you luck.
BIG GUY: Pardon?
RUSTY: I'm not goin'. I'd just screw up again, put you at risk. You're safer without me anywhere nearby, Big Guy.
THORTON: That's not an option, son. Your advanced robotics give you a better shot of withstanding the extreme heat.
DWAYNE: Lucky me.
BIG GUY (kneeling down and speaking softly, for Big Guy): Son, you're not to blame for what happened. This is dangerous work. One time or another, we all take a hit. Besides, it's gonna take a lot more than a squirt like you to crack my nut. [knocks Rusty gently on head]
RUSTY: Well, I'm sure as shootin' gonna make it up to you, Big Guy. If you're goin' down into that 'cano, I'm goin', too!
BIG GUY: Deal.

BIG GUY (reading monitor): Depth, 50 miles. Temperature, 451 degrees.
RUSTY: Hoo! Toasty. Good thing we're robots.
DWAYNE: Good thing I have air conditioning.

GARTH: We're losing your signal, BG. All we can do now is wish you luck.

RUSTY: We hit something.
BIG GUY: No, son. Something hit us.

BIG GUY: Never step in front of a moving bus.

BIG GUY: Bumpy ride alert -- let's hope those bombs stay put!

RUSTY: What was that thing, Big Guy?
BIG GUY: Maybe we should ask his pals.

BIG GUY: Legend-2's down for the count. We'll have to transport the bombs manually... [Rusty almost drops one] and carefully?

BIG GUY: Warm welcome. We've overstayed it.

BIG GUY: I'd shake, but my hands are full.

BIG GUY: Keep flying, kid. I'll cover you.
RUSTY: But that's my job!

BIG GUY: Stuffy down here. You fellas need ventilation!

BIG GUY: Seen enough rubble for one week.

BIG GUY: I've got a package to deliver.

BIG GUY: The big enchilada. It's obviously manmade -- if you call those rocks on legs 'men'.

MAGMA MAN (as put by Rusty's translator): No more cave world. We rise. We free -- forever!

RUSTY: Hey! There are people living in the surface world! Nice people!

BIG GUY: Looks like a convention. I'll have to mix in with the locals. [smears self with magma] Now all I need is a big rock.

BIG GUY: Sorry, don't speak Rock. Se habla Kaboom?

BIG GUY: No time for fisticuffs. Bomb's set to blow!

MAGMA MAN: Hobo nik'chatu!
RUSTY: That means "Destroy 'em!", in Magma Man talk.
BIG GUY: I figured.

BIG GUY: Hoo! Bad breath.

BIG GUY: If you can't stand the heat, get out of my way!

BIG GUY: Time to fight fire with fire.

BIG GUY: [covering Rusty with his arms] Duck and cover, kid!

RUSTY: We're out of bombs!
BIG GUY: Still have one -- my power core.

BIG GUY: Rusty, maybe you're thinking you can't pull this off, think you need me there to back you up. But just remember that you and I, we're made from the same stuff: taxpayer dollars, American pride, and the sweat of an honest day's work. You can do it, son. I know you can.

MACK: He still can't hear ya.
RUSTY: I knew that!

SLATE: How do you feel?
DWAYNE: [bandages around head and on hand] Feel glad the lava didn't wipe out this hospital. How's the kid?
SLATE: Can't keep quiet, can't keep still. I think Rusty's got his confidence back.
DWAYNE: He should. I owe him my life. A shame he'll never know it.

111. "The Big Boy"

RUSTY: Dr. Slate, how come I haven't grown any bigger? I've been powered up for months, and I haven't grown a single inch!
SLATE: Rusty, robots don't grow; they...they upgrade.
RUSTY: Dr. Slate! Can you upgrade me right now? Can you?
SLATE: I can't. I mean, well.... See, Rusty, your emotion grid will mature in time, but....
RUSTY (angry): I get it. I'll never be big like Big Guy. I'm always gonna be a boy robot.
SLATE: There's a lot more to growing up than growing taller.
RUSTY: Whatever.

RUSTY: Dr. Lester, who's he?
DR. LESTER: My boyfriend? Spartacus T-7000.
RUSTY: Um, where's his head?
LESTER: What head? Donovan's bean-counters are slashing budgets again, which means I'm stuck with a fully-loaded, state-of-the-art assemblage without a brain.

RUSTY (in T-7000 body): Look, Dr. Slate! I'm all grown up!

SLATE: Rusty, you're downloading out of there right now!

RUSTY (stuck in pipe): I'll...uh...take the door.

RUSTY: I nailed him! And I didn't even fall on my butt! Cool!

BIG GUY: Sweet Betsy Ross!

DWAYNE: What's different? [snaps fingers] Haircut!

PHOTOGRAPHERS: Over here, Rusty!
RUSTY: Please. Call me...Russ.

MACK: Now what next -- he gonna grow whiskers?
JO: Ha-ha. I think acne comes first.
GARTH: What do you think, Dwayne?
DWAYNE: Definitely a fighting machine.

DONOVAN: Slate! Come down from there! I'm warning you....
JENNY: The robot formerly known as Rusty is the new media darling!
SLATE: Dr. Donovan, instant growth could stunt Rusty's emotional development.
RUSTY...er...RUSS: It's Russ, okay?!

THORTON: No need for modesty, Doctor. Looks like the boy robot's finally become the 'last line of defense' you people promised.
RUSS: You mean...I can keep it?

RUSS: 'Double Chin Clop-Chop'. Awright!

RUSS: I can see the whites of their eyes.

JENNY: Seems Big Guy and the Teen Titan are busy with another call.

RUSS: I will make them pay!
[sits down, embarrassed]
They botnapped fellow bots, you know.

GAGE: Quark has corruption codes ingrained in every circuit.
BIG RIG: That mean we can't unload the goods, Gage?
GAGE: Nah. Just means 'caveat emptor' -- buyer beware.

QUARK UNDERLING (looking at Rusty's old body): Want it in the archives, Doc?
SLATE: I suppose.

RUSS: Thanks for being my chief mechanic, Mack.
MACK: We drew straws, kid. I lost.
RUSS: Mack! I'm not a kid!

GARTH: Needs a #10 fuse!
DWAYNE: I'll grab one out of my dash.
NEW GUY: Nonsense. I'll requisition one from Supply. We'll have it on Monday.
GARTH: [torqued-off groan]
DWAYNE: We don't usually go to the troub....
NEW GUY (interrupting): Proper protocol's never any trouble.
JO: Requisition yourself some grease for those shiny new overalls, while you're at it.
NEW GUY: Hmph.
GARTH: Miss 'im yet?
DWAYNE: The kid? Little bit.
GARTH: Meant Mack. [shoulders Dwayne]

RUSS: Your ball, Mack!
[Mack ignores him and lets the ball bounce away]
Not a sports guy, huh? Well, how'd you and Big Guy pass the time in his hideout? I bet you two just talked and talked. What do you want to talk about, huh, Mack?
MACK: I wanna talk about what it's gonna take to shut you up, kid.
RUSS: Maaaack...keyword? Hey, I know why you're crabby. You miss the Big Guy!
MACK: Take a good look at this mug. You want warm and cuddly? Go see your mommy.
RUSS: Maybe I will! Uh,I mean, Dr. Slate must miss me a whole bunch.

SLATE: There. A new ambulatory regulator should put spring in your step, little guy.
RUSS (unobserved): Dr. Slate's already replaced me!
QUARK GEEZER: Thanks for the tuneup, Erika. This old fella had me stumped.
SLATE: Any time, Nathan.

RUSS: This flying solo sure gets lonely.

RUSS: The Big Guy signal! I mean, the Big Little Guy sig.... My first signal!

CARGO: Software's pretty small potatoes, ain't it, Gage?
GAGE: Gotta lay off the hard stuff till things blow over.

BIG RIG: Well. If it ain't Big Guy Lite.
CARGO: As seen on TV. Celeb like him could raise some bucks.

RUSS: Looks like I've just cracked my first case!
GAGE: Correction. We're gonna crack your case.

MACK: Any of you heard from the kid?
[Underlings shake head]
Been visiting that lady doc a long time....

QUARK SECURITY BOTS: Out of here. Out of here. Out of here.

RUSTY: Oh...why'd I have to go and grow up so fast?

MACK: Knew you was getting a fat head, kid. Didn't know you'd lose it.

RUSTY: All that firepower, and I couldn't even nab three lowlife robotnappers.
MACK: And why do you think that is, kid? And I do mean 'kid'.
[Rusty listens and doesn't protest.]
MACK: Big Guy gets things done not with what he's got here --
[makes fist]
but what he's got here.
[points thumb at chest]
RUSTY: His power core?
MACK (nonplussed): Um...uh, the know-how that comes with experience.
RUSTY: I've sure-as-shootin' learned my lesson, Mack. I'm too darned young to fly solo.

MACK: Kid, you're just a head.
RUSTY: And you're still my chief mechanic.

BIG GUY: Hail, hail, the gang's all here!
NUMBER FIVE: Big Guy! We finally meet -- in the proverbial 'flesh'.
BIG GUY: You must be Number....
NUMBER FIVE: Five. My colleagues from the Legion send their regards.

BIG GUY: Hope you didn't pay a lot for that. Head's missing.
NUMBER FIVE: As yours will soon be.
BIG GUY: Pretty big talk for a little man.

BIG GUY: That's what I think of trendy eyewear.

BIG GUY: "Robot Rule #1: Never harm a human." Which you ain't.
NUMBER FIVE: All right, then. Metal on metal.

RUSTY: I got a bone to pick.

RUSTY: The name's Rusty.
GAGE: As in 'junk'. Scrap 'im.

RUSTY: Ooh. Button.

BIG RIG: Uncle!

DWAYNE: Think, Dwayne. Think! [gets an idea]
[Big Guy takes off]
NUMBER FIVE: Your core is running out of fuel! You -- cannot sustain flight....
BIG GUY: Buddy, that's what I'm counting on.
[Big Guy falls and Number Five realizes he's under all that weight]

BIG GUY: Say ah!
[Big Guy punches Number Five into cryogenic gas leak]
NUMBER FIVE: Ahhhhhhhh!

RUSTY: Hey, Big Guy! Wanna see a cookie crumble?

BIG GUY: We might have wanted to study that.

RUSTY: I don't believe it! While my head was away, my body grew a whole inch!
[We see that Rusty is now 4'1".]
DWAYNE: How did....?
SLATE: Shhhh. Platform shoes. [She winks at Dwayne]


112. "Little Boy Robot Lost"

by Roger S.H. Schulman

RUSTY: Why would they want to Swiss-cheese a darn dam?
BIG GUY: I'll go ask real nice while you put your finger in that dike, Dutch boy robot.

Initiating RCPR. [pause] C'mon, kid, reboot!

Rusty'll pull through. He's a tough little piece of hardware.

DWAYNE: You must have backups of Rusty's programming. Can't you just restore him?
SLATE (shaking head): Without his memory core, his experience, his attitudes, his learned 'Rusty-ness'...they're all gone.

SLATE: But why?
LEGION LEADER (elsewhere): To conquer the enemy, the Legion Ex Machina must know the enemy.

Where am I? Dentist? But I don't get cavities...do I?

Hey! Hey! Noone's allowed in my noggin except Dr. Slate!

>Moon Platoon rulez!

>Off topic. No Moon chat, I'm outie....

>Quark? Is that a new show?
RED DRESS CHATROOM CHICK (And no, actually; it's an old 70's sf sitcom....)

So we hack into its CMOS and trick it into thinking its job is done.

>Rusty. Why don't you stay and chat a while?

RUSTY: So you were trying to take stuff out of my head!
#4: Just a few bytes.

>Tough room. I'm outie!

Surrender your logic circuit or prepare to short-circuit.

Keyword: Magitech Warriors!

Interlopers! Yeu trespass in the land of Anthrax the Terrible. I shall smite thee into gristle!

My name is Rusty, a level six Cyber-sorceror with great Charm. I cast a Nil spell on you!
[Nothing happens beyond a little sparkle, 'cause he's level one now....]
Oooooh, if I were at my computer, you'd be fairy dust!

Consider thee smoten.

You dare disturb the sleep of Draggar the Loathesome?
DRAGGAR THE LOATHESOME (the staircase dragon)

Upload this!

Scanning faceprint; Boy Robot Rusty. User profile -- verified.


DWAYNE: Slate, you are amazing.
SLATE: But I haven't done anything!

Rusty's a terrible speller.

Dr. Slate would never let me surf after powerdown time!

SLATE (typing): A train leaves Chicago at 3 PM traveling 60 miles per hour.
SLATE (typing): Another train leaves New York at noon traveling 50 miles per hour. If the intersection between the train tracks is an astronomic tangent vectoring the value of pi, what time will the first train get to Scranton?
[The computer freezes]
DWAYNE: What'd you do?
SLATE: Monopolized every meg of processing power with a priority-one braintwister. (looks aside) Got thrown out of Computer Lab for that one.

Rusty-this, Rusty-that -- Quark is losing roughly 32,000 dollars a second. Reboot the mainframe!

Relax. That's why we have manuals.

RUSTY: Big Guy? How'd you get here?
BIG GUY: Science!

You have mail!

My ball! My ball!
RUSTY (catching logic circuit in his head)

Time to knock out those titanium teeth.

Then I guess I'll have to go digital -- as in 'a ten-digit knuckle sandwich'!

Let's beta-test.

Say hello to KingdomCome.com!

A waste of software.

I had this weird dream. And you were there, and you....

That's the Dr. Slate I know!

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