No One Expects the Spanish Inquisition

Part 1A

by Angel (aisumitsukai at

It's kinda weird and depressing but it will become some extent. it's Beth Lestrade history fic. Doesn't really have a title yet.

Beth Lestrade was tired. She didn't need this, not now. "Look, Raul, just give me the grenade. It's old, it's broken, it's useless; you don't need it."

Raul smiled; not everyone in the Underground got to annoy Miss Beth Lestrade. "If it's so useless, why do you need it?"

The brunette's eyes narrowed. "That's none of your business. I've paid for it and if you won't give it to me, well, it's your loss." With that Lestrade's fist smashed into Raul's nose and she left, carrying the grenade.

There was a reason not everyone got to annoy Beth Lestrade. Most people had more sense than that, Raul remembered miserably.

It's down again?! Beth growled under her breath. This was the fifth time systems had failed since December. Four months ago! It was probably Nimph, playing practical jokes...again, Lestrade thought irritably as she reprogrammed the computer. Yeah, the trojan was his style. She'd hafta deal with him later; right now she had to get this piece of medieval junk to work. BEFORE every single thief in the New London Underground decided to pay her a visit.

This particular computer controlled 40% of her security system. It was just like Nimph to pull something like this.

Lestrade rubbed her temples, waiting for the new system to boot up. She was only 14! She didn't need this! -- Her life was horrible as it was. She laughed out loud at her last thought. Not a happy laugh; a sad, sarcastic laugh. You'd think I was used to all this! It's been 7 years, after all...7 years since her parents had killed each other, 7 years since she had been bounced through 18 different foster homes, 7 years since she'd run away from the orphanage and gone to live in the Underground. That had all happened within one year. She had been 7 years old at the time. Yup, 7 was her lucky number.

Not that she was complaining, mind you. She had learnt long ago not to waste energy on that. Shaking her head, she checked the new programs one last time before flopping into her measly excuse for a bed.

Forcing her eyes open, Lestrade groaned. Oh happy day! Another 24 hours to slog through!

Let's chaeck today's schedule.
1)Yell at Nimph for screwing up her computer
2)Bicker with/knock out Raul over some new computer parts.
3)Scrounge for food
4)Find Raul and bicker with/practice new karate kick on.
He was stupid and slow, but it was better than doing nothing.
5)Check traps
6)Go to bed

This seemed oddly similar to yesterday's schedule but oh, well. Then of course, she'd probably not do all those things in that order and she'd only get around to number six if she was lucky.

Lestrade grumpily rolled out of bed, jamming her ionizer (the latest model) and numerous knives into their respective holders. Then, after using up the last of her toothpaste, she trudged out to check her traps. Her alarm would've gone off if she'd caught anyone, but there's no harm in making sure.

There are three things in life that Beth Lestrade considered important.
A)Her personal cleanliness
B)Her personal safety
C)The credibility of the crime/weaponry information she was continuously downloading from the New Scotland Yard vaults.

As you can see, her life revolved entirely around one person.

There you go! Pt 1b) coming tomorrow once I've gotten some sleep! ^_^

Part 2

I'm perfectly all right. Don't look at me like that.... It's got a title!!!!!! This story is the first part of a two/three part story. (I think it will, at least.) This part, due to my recent watching of numerous Monty Python flicks, is called 'No One Expects the Spanish Inquisition', and yeah, I know I already used that phrase, in the r/r, but I had this idea first, never mind... ^_^

Mentally calling Nimph a number of rather harsh names, Beth stomped towards the 'self-centered, pig-faced, rotten, zedding, [numerous expletives], ratty, bloated, flea-infested, wormy little leather-skulled blockhead's' house.

She was halfway there when she heard laughter. Horrible, mocking laughter, underneath which, Lestrade could just hear meowing. Following the sounds, she found herself watching two boys throwing a cat against a wall.

"Hey!? What do you two think you're zedding doing?!" Surprised, the boys dropped the cat and turned to face her.

The larger one started chuckling. "Look, Ryo! Something else to throw against the wall! D'ya think she'll make more noise?"

'Ryo' was about to reply when both he and his cohort found themselves unconscious, with black eyes and broken bones.

"Jerks." Lestrade squatted down beside the cat. It was alive; broken legs, a few broken ribs, broken tail, probably a fractured skull. 'It' was also, actually, a girl, all black and barely a year old. "You're a lucky little thing, you know. A few more thwacks and you'd be exchanging hullos with St. Peter."

Carefully, Lestrade set some of the bones and held them in place with strips off the bottom of her coat. Gingerly, she picked the cat up and headed home. Nimph's reprimand completely forgotten.

Lestrade christened the cat 'Alita'. She didn't know why, it just sounded good. Alita became the center of her life. For years Lestrade had never cared for anyone but herself and now all her love was being showered upon the cat.

Most of Lestrade's relationships were love-hate ones and once healed, Alita went everywhere with Beth. Raul gave her food scraps, Zia brought her bits of cloth and Nimph threw string balls for her. For three months everything was beautiful. Raul hadn't gotten a single black eye, Zia didn't get caught trying to manually sabotage traps, and Lestrade's computers stopped crashing.

Of course this is Beth Lestrade we're talking about. Nothing good had ever lasted for her.

One night Lestrade had come back from a particularly bad day. No food, no sleep, no toothpaste and now..."Aw zed! It's crashe-- it's gone?!" All her files had disappeared. Security, New Scotland Yard blueprints, maps, bus schedules -- even her mp3's were gone. Someone had just deleted her entire network.

"That took me six zedding years to build!" Lestrade's colourful list of swears was interrupted by an explosion. These were not uncommon in the Underground, but they'd never been so close.

Lestrade whipped around, just as the door crumpled. In its place a boy was standing. He was fifteen at most, blue eyes, blonde hair and a maniac's smile. He was terrifying.

Whipping an ionizer out of nowhere, he blasted apart the computers. Then, his smile widening, he turned to the cupboard and disintegrated it.

"Excuuuuse me?! WHAT do you think you're doing? If you hadn't noticed, this is MY house!" Lestrade yelled angrily. The nerve of this kid!

The boy stopped for a moment to consider this, then gave her a vicious backhand which sent her head crashing into the wall. Her mouth was filled with the taste of blood; spitting it out, she watched the boy trash her house. Suddenly Alita bit his hand.

The strange boy shook his head and looked down at the cat. "What do we have here?" He spoke with some sort of accent, kinda of French but not really. Holding Alita by the scruff of the neck, he pulled out a knife. "A cat. I don't like cats. In fact, I don't like ANYTHING."

He turned his head to look at Beth. "You see, girl, seven months ago, I lived in the Underground. Then, one night, a gang attacked my sister and me. We were robbed and left for dead on the streets. Siria was. It's taken me this long to heal, not that that time was wasted. Oh, no. I spent it planning my revenge. Haven't you ever wondered why your computers kept crashing? It was me. Now I can do physical damage. I already killed all the other kids on this block. Now it's your turn!"

Raul, Nimph...Zia? Dead? Lestrade was dumbstruck. All she could do was stare at this strange boy in horror.

"B-but WE didn't do anything to you! W-we don't even know YOU!" Lestrade struck out with her fist.

The boy casually knocked it aside. "Do you really think that matters? No. Do you really think I care? No. All I want is revenge." With that the boy drove his knife into Alita's heart. She died instantly.

Lestrade's eyes widened. "No! NO! NO! NOO!Leave her alone! No, Alita!!! N-no..." Screaming, Lestrade fell into unconsciousness.

It's very hot in here. Lestrade groggily woke up. "What a nightma-"

Her house was on fire. Her things strewn everywhere. It all stunk of burnt flesh.

Lestrade's eyes burned; her throat was raw with yelling. "Alita...." Choking out the name, Lestrade turned and ran. All she could think of was running; running fast, funning far, running AWAY.

Five o'clock in the morning found her curled up on a plastic subway chair.

"You look AWFUL!" A man appeared beside her, having just got in from Dover. "What happened?"

Lestrade glared up at him. "Nothing."

"Wow! You're a great liar! Absolutely top notch! If I were deaf and blind I might've actually believed that." The man had a Scottish accent and twinkling eyes. "Come on, kid, what happened? It'll make you feel better if you tell someone."

"NOTHING! Go away, it's none of your business."

Shaking his head, the man settled back in his chair. "Fair enough."

Lestrade glanced at him, then out the window. Then back at him. Suddenly, she found herself telling him everything. Alita, the boy, Zia, Nimph and Raul, her parents, her entire life.

"Oh bother! That really IS awful. No wonder you're in such a foul mood!." The man looked at her sympathetically. "But, then, you know what those Monty Python boys say-"

"We are now arriving in London." The electronic voice announced the latest station.

"Ah! That's my stop." The man stood and crossed over to the door.

"Hey! Wait! Monty Python? Aren't they from, like, the last century?" Lestrade reached out after the man.

The doors opened. "Yes, I suppose they are rather old. But y'know what they say...." The man turned to face her as he stepped out. He called out as the doors closed, "No one expects the Spanish Inquisition!"

The end of pt. 1!!!!

There you go. I'm gonna try to not write such violent little fics anymore, either. Tell me what you think....

On to Part 2!

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