No One Expects the Spanish Inquisition
by Angel (aisumitsukai at home.com)
It's kinda weird and depressing but it will become
undepressing...to some extent. it's Beth Lestrade history fic.
Doesn't really have a title yet.
Beth Lestrade was tired. She didn't need this, not now. "Look,
Raul, just give me the grenade. It's old, it's broken, it's useless;
you don't need it."
Raul smiled; not everyone in the Underground got to annoy
Miss Beth Lestrade. "If it's so useless, why do you need it?"
The brunette's eyes narrowed. "That's none of your business.
I've paid for it and if you won't give it to me, well, it's your
loss." With that Lestrade's fist smashed into Raul's nose and she
left, carrying the grenade.
There was a reason not everyone got to annoy Beth Lestrade.
Most people had more sense than that, Raul remembered miserably.
It's down again?! Beth growled under her breath. This
was the fifth time systems had failed since December. Four months
ago! It was probably Nimph, playing practical jokes...again,
Lestrade thought irritably as she reprogrammed the computer. Yeah,
the trojan was his style. She'd hafta deal with him later; right now
she had to get this piece of medieval junk to work. BEFORE every
single thief in the New London Underground decided to pay her a visit.
This particular computer controlled 40% of her security
system. It was just like Nimph to pull something like this.
Lestrade rubbed her temples, waiting for the new system to
boot up. She was only 14! She didn't need this! -- Her life was
horrible as it was. She laughed out loud at her last thought. Not a
happy laugh; a sad, sarcastic laugh. You'd think I was used to all
this! It's been 7 years, after all...7 years since her parents had
killed each other, 7 years since she had been bounced through 18
different foster homes, 7 years since she'd run away from the
orphanage and gone to live in the Underground. That had all happened
within one year. She had been 7 years old at the time. Yup, 7 was
her lucky number.
Not that she was complaining, mind you. She had learnt long
ago not to waste energy on that. Shaking her head, she checked the
new programs one last time before flopping into her measly excuse
for a bed.
Forcing her eyes open, Lestrade groaned. Oh happy day!
Another 24 hours to slog through!
Let's chaeck today's schedule.
1)Yell at Nimph for screwing up her computer
2)Bicker with/knock out Raul over some new computer parts.
3)Scrounge for food
4)Find Raul and bicker with/practice new karate kick on.
He was stupid and slow, but it was better than doing nothing.
6)Go to bed
This seemed oddly similar to yesterday's schedule but oh,
well. Then of course, she'd probably not do all those things in that
order and she'd only get around to number six if she was lucky.
Lestrade grumpily rolled out of bed, jamming her ionizer (the
latest model) and numerous knives into their respective holders.
Then, after using up the last of her toothpaste, she trudged out to
check her traps. Her alarm would've gone off if she'd caught anyone,
but there's no harm in making sure.
There are three things in life that Beth Lestrade considered
A)Her personal cleanliness
B)Her personal safety
C)The credibility of the crime/weaponry information she was
continuously downloading from the New Scotland Yard vaults.
As you can see, her life revolved entirely around one person.
There you go! Pt 1b) coming tomorrow once I've gotten some
I'm perfectly all right. Don't look at me like that....
It's got a title!!!!!! This story is the first part of a two/three
part story. (I think it will, at least.) This part, due to my recent
watching of numerous Monty Python flicks, is called 'No One Expects
the Spanish Inquisition', and yeah, I know I already used that
phrase, in the r/r, but I had this idea first so...so...Oh, never
Mentally calling Nimph a number of rather harsh names, Beth
stomped towards the 'self-centered, pig-faced, rotten, zedding,
[numerous expletives], ratty, bloated, flea-infested, wormy little
leather-skulled blockhead's' house.
She was halfway there when she heard laughter. Horrible,
mocking laughter, underneath which, Lestrade could just hear
meowing. Following the sounds, she found herself watching two boys
throwing a cat against a wall.
"Hey!? What do you two think you're zedding doing?!"
Surprised, the boys dropped the cat and turned to face her.
The larger one started chuckling. "Look, Ryo! Something else
to throw against the wall! D'ya think she'll make more noise?"
'Ryo' was about to reply when both he and his cohort found
themselves unconscious, with black eyes and broken bones.
"Jerks." Lestrade squatted down beside the cat. It was alive;
broken legs, a few broken ribs, broken tail, probably a fractured
skull. 'It' was also, actually, a girl, all black and barely a year
old. "You're a lucky little thing, you know. A few more thwacks and
you'd be exchanging hullos with St. Peter."
Carefully, Lestrade set some of the bones and held them in
place with strips off the bottom of her coat. Gingerly, she picked
the cat up and headed home. Nimph's reprimand completely forgotten.
Lestrade christened the cat 'Alita'. She didn't know why, it
just sounded good. Alita became the center of her life. For years
Lestrade had never cared for anyone but herself and now all her love
was being showered upon the cat.
Most of Lestrade's relationships were love-hate ones and once
healed, Alita went everywhere with Beth. Raul gave her food scraps,
Zia brought her bits of cloth and Nimph threw string balls for her.
For three months everything was beautiful. Raul hadn't gotten a
single black eye, Zia didn't get caught trying to manually sabotage
traps, and Lestrade's computers stopped crashing.
Of course this is Beth Lestrade we're talking about.
Nothing good had ever lasted for her.
One night Lestrade had come back from a particularly bad day.
No food, no sleep, no toothpaste and now..."Aw zed! It's crashe--
it's gone?!" All her files had disappeared. Security, New Scotland
Yard blueprints, maps, bus schedules -- even her mp3's were gone.
Someone had just deleted her entire network.
"That took me six zedding years to build!" Lestrade's
colourful list of swears was interrupted by an explosion. These were
not uncommon in the Underground, but they'd never been so close.
Lestrade whipped around, just as the door crumpled. In its
place a boy was standing. He was fifteen at most, blue eyes, blonde
hair and a maniac's smile. He was terrifying.
Whipping an ionizer out of nowhere, he blasted apart the
computers. Then, his smile widening, he turned to the cupboard and
"Excuuuuse me?! WHAT do you think you're doing? If you hadn't
noticed, this is MY house!" Lestrade yelled angrily. The nerve of
The boy stopped for a moment to consider this, then gave her
a vicious backhand which sent her head crashing into the wall. Her
mouth was filled with the taste of blood; spitting it out, she
watched the boy trash her house. Suddenly Alita bit his hand.
The strange boy shook his head and looked down at the cat.
"What do we have here?" He spoke with some sort of accent, kinda of
French but not really. Holding Alita by the scruff of the neck, he
pulled out a knife. "A cat. I don't like cats. In fact, I don't like
He turned his head to look at Beth. "You see, girl, seven
months ago, I lived in the Underground. Then, one night, a gang
attacked my sister and me. We were robbed and left for dead on the
streets. Siria was. It's taken me this long to heal, not that that
time was wasted. Oh, no. I spent it planning my revenge. Haven't you
ever wondered why your computers kept crashing? It was me. Now I can
do physical damage. I already killed all the other kids on this
block. Now it's your turn!"
Raul, Nimph...Zia? Dead? Lestrade was dumbstruck. All she
could do was stare at this strange boy in horror.
"B-but WE didn't do anything to you! W-we don't even know
YOU!" Lestrade struck out with her fist.
The boy casually knocked it aside. "Do you really think that
matters? No. Do you really think I care? No. All I want is revenge."
With that the boy drove his knife into Alita's heart. She died
Lestrade's eyes widened. "No! NO! NO! NOO!Leave her alone!
No, Alita!!! N-no..." Screaming, Lestrade fell into unconsciousness.
It's very hot in here. Lestrade groggily woke up.
"What a nightma-"
Her house was on fire. Her things strewn everywhere. It all
stunk of burnt flesh.
Lestrade's eyes burned; her throat was raw with yelling.
"Alita...." Choking out the name, Lestrade turned and ran. All she
could think of was running; running fast, funning far, running AWAY.
Five o'clock in the morning found her curled up on a plastic
"You look AWFUL!" A man appeared beside her, having just got
in from Dover. "What happened?"
Lestrade glared up at him. "Nothing."
"Wow! You're a great liar! Absolutely top notch! If I were
deaf and blind I might've actually believed that." The man had a
Scottish accent and twinkling eyes. "Come on, kid, what happened?
It'll make you feel better if you tell someone."
"NOTHING! Go away, it's none of your business."
Shaking his head, the man settled back in his chair. "Fair
Lestrade glanced at him, then out the window. Then back at
him. Suddenly, she found herself telling him everything. Alita, the
boy, Zia, Nimph and Raul, her parents, her entire life.
"Oh bother! That really IS awful. No wonder you're in such a
foul mood!." The man looked at her sympathetically. "But, then, you
know what those Monty Python boys say-"
"We are now arriving in London." The electronic voice
announced the latest station.
"Ah! That's my stop." The man stood and crossed over to the
"Hey! Wait! Monty Python? Aren't they from, like, the last
century?" Lestrade reached out after the man.
The doors opened. "Yes, I suppose they are rather old. But
y'know what they say...." The man turned to face her as he stepped
out. He called out as the doors closed, "No one expects the Spanish
The end of pt. 1!!!!
There you go. I'm gonna try to not write such violent little
fics anymore, either. Tell me what you think....
On to Part 2!
Back to the Fanfic index