"The Beryl Board" by Eleanor Burian-Mohr and Terence Taylor (BERY2)
(Posted by Mary on 10/21/2001)
Lestrade (to Holmes): You bugged him? (chuckles) No wonder we get along so well.
-- Ah, Deidre! I see you took a shortcut down Barrow Street. I hope
the Harnages' dog didn't chase you too far.
-- Okay, Holmes, how'd you do that?
-- Eyes and brains, my dear, as I often tell you.
Holmes and Deidre
-- You just ate lunch, and you paid for your girlfriend.
-- I know I'm a sloppy eater, but how'd you know about Jacey?
-- By the lipstick.
(sheepishly) -- On my cheek....
Deidre and Wiggins
Tennyson: (loud imperative beeping)
Holmes: Calm down, lad, I hear you. News on, please.
Newscaster: Top stories: Prime Minister gives birth to triplets; 12-year-old Helfin Paine the Third sues for emancipation.
Deidre: Helfin Paine the Third! He is a pain, even if he is Tennyson's friend....
Watson (bringing the hovercoach to a screeching halt):
Americans! When will they learn to drive on the proper side of the road?!
"The Secret Safe" by Reed Shelley and Bruce Shelley (SECR)
(Some quotes posted by Mary on 11/4/2001, 10:56 am)
Watson: New London's streets were nearly deserted that Sunday afternoon. And so was the government's most important building: 10 Downing Street. It was a perfect day for a daring robbery: one which would threaten England's very existence.
Burglar: Silly-looking little guy, but you'll keep the big guy from finding me.
-- That's why I called in some extra brainpower.
-- Oh, no, not that dead detective!
-- Yes, sir.
-- That's all I need: a major crisis and a major meddler. Just don't let him interfere with the real investigation!
-- (slightly amused): Meaning yours...of course, sir?
-- Exactly! (darkly) Sherlock Holmes. Hah!
Lestrade and Grayson
Watson: If we keep dawdling like this, we'll never catch up with Chief
Holmes: On the contrary, Watson. Sometimes a bit of judicious 'dawdling' is what keeps us ahead of the Chief Inspector.
Lestrade: It's all right, Colonel. Mr. Sherlock Holmes is with us.
Grayson (under his breath) Speak for yourself.
Grayson: Colonel Devlin is New Scotland Yard's special security attache
to the Prime Minister. So watch your step, Holmes.
Holmes: (looking down at marks on the floor) Yes. That is how I noticed the imprint of the ladder which was here only moments ago.
-- Holmes, stop wasting my time. I've a robbery to solve. Inspector
Lestrade, get on this immediately. Check out every pawnshop, fence and
crooked art dealer on the Master Suspect List. (gives her the doll)
-- Yes, sir.
-- (snatches the doll back) Better yet, I'm going to lead this search personally.
-- I'm sure the Prime Minister will be most grateful when his curio is returned.
-- (sounding puzzled and belligerent) What does that have to do with it?
(Lestrade smiles, shrugs at Holmes, and follows Grayson out the door)
Grayson and Lestrade
Devlin: Grayson was right! You're just wasting our time!
Holmes: (touches deerstalker brim) In that case, please excuse us. Watson and I have some extremely urgent time-wasting to do.
Lestrade (on Deidre's wrist comlink) Deidre. If you were looking to
buy a rare African doll with no questions asked, where would you go?
Deidre: (in her room) Try the curio shop on Oxford Circle near the tube -- but don't tell that zedhead owner it was me who told ya.
Lestrade (cheerfully) No way, Miss Anonymous. And, uh, thanks. (hangs up) Shall we try it, Chief?
Grayson: Is that scruffy little informant properly registered with the Yard?
Lestrade: (annoyed) Sometimes the best information comes from unregistered sources.
Grayson: I'm not about to embark on a wild goose chase. Take me back to Lord Bork's yacht. At least I can make sure the Widows' Fund remains solvent.
(Cruiser does a barrel roll and heads back)
Grayson: A minor problem. It'll all be resolved by sunset.
Watson: It's a notice from the Bureau of Bankruptcies.
Curio Shop Owner: (nervously) I...I do have an exact mate for your little friend. It just
came into my hands. But I had no idea it was not being offered by its
legal owner, believe me.
Lestrade (angrily): I'm only gonna take your word for that if you tell me who that 'legal owner' was! Now!
Burglar: Can't you read? We're closed! Permanently!
Watson: It would be extremely wise of you to submit yourself peacefully. Now, come along!
Burglar: I'll freeze your circuits, droid!
Watson: Some lower forms of humanity still refuse to listen to my advice.
Lestrade: I set a Yard record tracking down that perp. How did you get here first?
-- Uh...you let him keep you captive?
-- Yes, of course. I needed the time to study him more carefully.
-- 'Study'. What's to study? He's the crook -- we got him -- loot's recovered -- case solved.
-- On the contrary. I've concluded that the stolen curio was only a diversion.
Lestrade and Holmes
-- That's my collar! Why didn't those clowns at the Yard tell me
that he'd escaped?!
-- I would assume any human who is able to break in to Downing Street can break out of Reading Jail.
-- Not when I put 'im there.
Lestrade and Watson
-- The money's not my department. I don't have it.
-- Then take me to the man who does.
-- You'll regret it. He'll make us both sorry.
Devlin and 'Burglar'
Holmes: You may unhand me now.
-- (blocking Lestrade's clear shot) No. Devlin must escape.
-- Escape? Are you crazy?
-- I have a plan.
Holmes and Lestrade
Watson: Cease your groundskeeping, mindless lawn droid! I have a mission!
Holmes: Good. He's getting away.
(Devlin's cruiser dives into the Thames and disappears)
Lestrade: (frustrated) I should have known. With his rank, he'd have one of those new submersible models.
Moriarty: I'm surrounded by incompetents!
Devlin: Unhand me, you hunk of metal!
Watson: I am hereby officially detaining you, sir!
Lestrade (sweetly) That means "You're busted."
Grayson: Inspector Lestrade, you've gone off without official approval for the last time!
Lestrade: Doing a little work on the side, eh, Colonel?
Greyson: But Lestrade, not a word of this to the, uh, Prime Minister, eh? (laughs nervously)
Lestrade: Oh, of course, sir. Now, about that submersible I requested last month?
"The Mazarin Chip" by Gildart Jackson (MAZA2)
Fenwick: We're Yard snakes now.
-- A cat?!
-- A what? What cat?
-- Just a cat, sir. Black cat. Must've tripped a sensor. False alarm.
-- Why do they make all these newfangled gadgets and what-not if they don't work? Check the alarms later. We've got a five hovercraft pileup in Knightsbridge.
Lestrade and Grayson
Moriarty: Now noone will ever know who took the Mazarin chip. And with it we take the Prime Minister of Great Britain -- and Mr. Sherlock Holmes.
Metermaid android: Leaking galvoline. Violation code 6498.
The (old, male) Prime Minister: The Mazarin chip has been stolen, Mr. Holmes. New Scotland Yard's clueless, and you don't seem to give a zed!
-- How do you know? That's an official secret!
-- I'm an official. And I'll keep it secret.
The Prime Minister and the 'meter maid android'
-- But, I say, who are you?
-- Traffic Control. As one advanced compudroid, I'd like to say, you look dashing. (winks) I like your gleam.
(blushing) -- Well, thank you, dear lady.
Watson and the 'metermaid android'
Lestrade (about the android): Watson! Don't chat it up; get it out!
The Prime Minister: I don't understand these people.
Holmes: I'm sorry I can't ask you to stay for tea, but an important game is afoot. Oh. Did you know, by the way? your cruiser has a galvoline leak.
Holmes (bending over the Holmes sitting in his chair in front of the window):
Come, come, Watson! I'd never wear a carnation in April -- or any other month, for that matter.
(takes the other Holmes' head off and holds it in his hand by its stick, like a Holmes-sicle)
Meet my waxwork effigy, borrowed from Madame Tussaud's. Very useful.
The Prime Minister (about Holmes): Grayson was right! He couldn't find a thief in a prison!
Moriarty: The game ends here!
Holmes (narrating flashback): I am sure you felt the peculiar tremor in the early hours
(Holmes plays his funky instrument in flashback, and then we hear a distant BOOM!)
Watson (in flashback): Particularly moving sonata, Holmes!
(In flashback, Holmes sets up his waxwork in his chair.)
Holmes (narrating): Rather low-tech for you, Lestrade, but old Dummy does do the job.
Holmes (narrating): So off I went without my tail, as it were, to see what the police were up to.
Lestrade (in flashback): Look, maybe Holmes can help!
Grayson: No! I'll not have that prehistoric gumshoe on this case! The Yard will handle it.
Lestrade (annoyed): The Prime Minister memo'd me this morning. He wants to consult with Holmes personally.
Grayson: The Prime Minister _what_? Who put that idea into his birdbrain?
Holmes: Watson, did I introduce you to our new addition?
(A black cat leaps into view)
Tigerlily is his name. Cats are singular creatures.
Holmes: We shall see whose DNA Tigerlily has had the pleasure of licking in the last few hours.
Fenwick: Don't they give you droids eyes? One -- two -- not even
three feet, sweetheart!
Metermaid android: Malfunction! Malfunction!
Fenwick: Huh? (gives android the two-fingered salute and walks off)
Prime Minister (huffily): Sir, your mind is....
Holmes (putting hand across his mouth and smiling): Excuse me, but I think I hear Fenwick's boot upon our steps.
(Fenwick attacks Holmes' dummy, rolling over the chair, and grabs
'Holmes' by the hair. The head pops off.)
Holmes: No violence, Fenwick, I beg of you. Consider the furniture.
Prime Minister (indignantly): Did you ticket my cruiser, Mr. Holmes?
Watson: There's not a terrible lot about this that's virtual. Refined
titanium alloy. We can't get out.
Lestrade: No problem. I'll just call the Yard and get a wrecking crew down here.
Holmes: Really, Lestrade. I think I'd rather not have my flat permanently destroyed by your lot.
Prime Minister: I demand to know your intentions!
Moriarty: My intentions? To make a fortune.
Holmes: Watson, we need all hands on deck. Alert the Irregulars!
Holmes: Remember the power of multiple approaches.
Moriarty: Mazarin chip, recreate 10 Downing Street -- the Prime Minister's Central Operations Office -- immediately.
Moriarty: And now, if you please, let us access these toys.
Computer: Retinal scan...palm scan...affirmative. Good morning, Prime Minister.
What would you like to do today?
Moriarty: Oh, I was contemplating raising interest rates, say, 17%; selling all government holdings; devaluing the good old pound sterling; and cutting off the money supply.
Prime Minister: What? The financial markets will crash!
Moriarty: That, my dear Prime Minister, is the general idea.
Holmes: Use what you know.
Newscaster: Various inexplicable actions on the part of the British government have put all British financial institutions on the brink of failure. Noone seems to know how these actions occurred, but one thing is for certain: British markets are in a tailspin. Potentially, global markets will follow,
Holmes: Anything that doesn't fit a pattern _is_ worth examining more closely.
Moriarty: Gold. Gold never loses its value. We're done here. Now you and I will take a virtual trip to the gold reserves deep within the Bank of England. You're the only person in England with access. And we'll take out, oh, all the gold. That'll make me the richest man in the world. And as we all know, money _is_ power.
Holmes: Pay the cowboy, Prime Minister. And I owe him for these.
(Holmes' leg, shod with a cowboy boot, obtrudes from the hovercab)
Moriarty: That's the dummy. It's far too pale. How could anyone confuse it?
Lestrade (through loudspeaker): Moriarty! You are surrounded!
Come out with your hands up!
(Moriarty and Fenwick look out the window and see four police cruisers)
Fenwick: We don't stand a chance.
Moriarty: Nonsense. I'll merely use the Mazarin chip to turn this room into a transporter and beam us out.
Fenwick (gasps): Brilliant!
Moriarty: I was kidding. Idiot. You obviously haven't watched the classics.
Holmes: I expected more of Moriarty. Unobservant of him not to see that I wasn't the dummy. I'm not that pale, and -- no carnation.
Holmes: It seems that my nemesis is no dummy, either.
PM: I take it back, Mr. Holmes, I take it all back. You are a genius.
Holmes: Oh, I wouldn't say that, Prime Minister -- merely observant.
"The Adventure of the Second Stain" by Reed Shelley and Bruce Shelley (SECO2)
Holmes: Mm. There's one crisis we'll never hear about, even if we wanted to.
Robot: Our orders will be obeyed.
Holmes: Are you kidding? I don't even take orders from New Scotland Yard.
Robot: Resistance will not be tolerated. Attention, Mr. Holmes: I have the
authority to permanently erase your associate's memory banks unless you cooperate.
Holmes: Well, since you put it that way...Dr. Watson and I will accompany you. For the moment.
Holmes: And which of you was responsible for kidnapping Watson and myself?
Mark Trenton: An impossible robbery has occurred!
Holmes: One should never confuse the unforeseen with the impossible.
Trenton: I have no idea how this happened!
Lord Ballinger: That's hardly a fact to be proud of.
Heather Trenton (to Holmes): My husband is a great admirer of yours. He has a file on you!
Cab Driver: There's the address, guv'nor! Finally found it!
Holmes: Obviously your first day on the job.
Driver: Blimey! Is, and all. You could be a detective!
(Holmes smiles a pleased smile)
Holmes (sees papers scattered about): Hm. I am not Mr. Lucas' first visitor today.
Holmes: No time for a nap.
Servant Droid: Program override unavailable.
Holmes: Then I will reprogram you.
Lucas: Finding me will not be necessary.
Holmes: Your request is unwise.
Holmes: This whole business reeks of him. Who else could seduce a patriot such as yourself? What did he offer you: power, wealth...?
Lucas: Friends don't make you win at the casino, or pay your bills
when you lose.
Heather: You're a loser, all right.
Holmes: Whatever happens, I am sure your husband will be waiting for you when it is over.
Holmes (flustered): I was just doing my job, madam.
"A Case of Identity" by Robert Askin (IDEN2)
Constable Angel: Inspector Lestrade, I've been dispatched....
Lestrade: To what? Get in my way?
Lestrade: You're in my way, that's what you are! You're...
Angel: Constable Abner Angel, at your service. I'm your new partner!
(Lestrade looks horrified)
Lestrade: How could you do this to me?
Grayson: You've disregarded protocol for the last time, Lestrade! Maybe having a partner will keep you in line.
Lestrade: He's clueless! Why, he's not a week out of the Academy....
Grayson: Exactly! He hasn't had a chance to forget the rules, so he'll be there to remind you.
Lestrade: Assign me a new compudroid instead.
Greyson: No. You put too much wear and tear on the poor robots. They spend half their time in the shop.
Angel: M-may I say something?
(at the same time) Grayson: Yes! Lestrade: No!
Lestrade (to Angel): Even a compudroid has more coordination than you.
Holmes: Lestrade! I must say, you don't seem your usual unflappable self this morning.
Lestrade: It doesn't take Sherlock Holmes to figure that out.
Holmes: I'll grant you that. Human expressions can be read like letters in the alphabet. A for Anger; B for Bothered; and your face has V for Vexed written all over it.
Lestrade: How can you tell? I just hear footsteps.
Holmes: Ears and brains, Lestrade. That footstep betrays the distinct sound of leatherite, which is used on the soles of New Scotland Yard's standard issue boots. And, from the sharpness of the steps, I suggest that the boots have not been worn in -- therefore, are newly issued. Probably fresh from the Academy. And, from the volume and cadence of the steps, I conclude your partner is a young man.
(Holmes opens the door and Angel falls inside)
Lestrade: As usual, you haven't missed a step, Holmes. Wish I could say the same for Abner.
Angel: You're...you're Sherlock Holmes! You're a legend!
Holmes: A legend, eh? Well, I like to think there's at least a grain of truth at the root of even the most fanciful of legends.
Grayson: He was there; we arrested him. It was easy! Noone got hurt, and no property was destroyed.
Lestrade: You're in my line of fire!
Linus Beaumont: Zed off, Yardie!
Lestrade: Typical rookie stunt! It's one thing to be aggressive; it's another thing to be
Angel: (depressed) I shoulda had him.
Lestrade: (more quietly) No. It's my fault. I'm the one with the experience. (touches him on the shoulder)
Holmes: This device may be more sophisticated than in my day, but lockpicking is still lockpicking.
Holmes: Experience tells us, Watson, to examine the lifestyle of the suspect closely in the search for clues.
Holmes: Think, Watson! Make connections in that computer of yours! A jewel thief who lives in a poor district -- he couldn't be very successful, now, could he?
Holmes: Really, Tennyson! I congratulate you upon your high score! But bragging is never an admirable quality.
Holmes: Constable Angel, you surprise me! That is not easy to do.
Holmes: He asked you what your best time is for the Riley Decomp Cipher. He wonders if your score is higher than his own.
Angel: Inspector Lestrade has gone ahead. I think she may have been trying to get me
out of her way.
Watson: (commiserating) It can be hard to be a sidekick. I know.
Lestrade: Abner! Abner! Partnerrrrr!
Holmes: Good work, Tennyson! You'll go down in the annals of computer wizardry for this one.
Holmes: Meet one of the most brilliant hackers ever to tap a keyboard -- with the heart of a criminal.
Holmes: You might reconsider, if you had partners as good as mine.
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