MST: Uh Oh...Not Again....

Chapter 5

by Cyberwolf (wolf at
9/14 - 17/02

Chapter Five: One MSTy Moisty Morning

It's the not-too-distant future,
Maybe next Tuesday or thereabouts
And there were certain fictional characters
Who were about to have a thoroughly lousy day

Wolfie: That didn't rhyme.

Cyberwolf: Shut up, I'm singing here.

Wolfie: Oh yes, that's right. (puts on a pair of huge fluffy earmuffs)

They were smart, and heroic
Probably were credits to the human race
But does that matter? I'm EVIL
I'll torture them in any case

Lestrade: (censored)!!

Holmes: This is a rather difficult situation....

I'll send them a stupid fanfic
It's OOC and weird and dumb
For them it'll be torture
For me it will be fun

Now keep in mind they can't control
When the fanfic begins or ends (lalala)
They'll have to sit and read it all
Or else their mind I'll rend


'Eyes and brains...aren't really helping me right now.'

'Can't I just go duel Malfoy or something?'

'I want to see where this place is keeping its brain!'


If you're wondering how they eat and breathe
And other science facts (lalala)
Eyes and brains, dear, it's just a MST
You should really just relax

Editor's Note:
For Mystery Science Theater 2104!

It had been a week since they'd last been here - seven days to rest and recuperate, seven days away from these strange stories that 'those people' (not that they were sure they were people; they'd never seen them, after all) kept making them read. But once those seven days were up...

Holmes and Lestrade suddenly found themselves back in the same all-blue room, seated on the couch they'd been sitting on the last time.

"Oh zeeeeeeeeeed..."

"It appears that we have been summoned back to read another 'fanfic'," Holmes said calmly, looking around himself. He was bereft of deerstalker, Inverness and waistcoat - he'd been preparing for bed when he'd been transported there.

(AN: And the author was kicking herself for transporting Holmes too soon; imagine if she'd caught him when he was in his pajamas!

Holmes: (ominously) It's a good thing you didn't.

Cyberwolf: Eep.)

Lestrade muttered, "No shit, Sherlock." Holmes raised an eyebrow.

A sudden flash of light caught the two detectives' attention, and they turned their heads to see Ginny Weasley materialize on the couch opposite them. The red-haired witch looked around blearily - her hair was tousled and she was dressed in an overlarge t-shirt reading 'Go Lions' and shorts. Obviously the author had snatched her right from bed.

"Oh no," said Ginny, the dread in her voice overtaken by the huge yawn behind it, "we're here again."

Lestrade was looking at the younger female curiously. "Looks like the regular chain-gang's being pulled together again," commented Lestrade, "But where's Harry?"

Ginny blinked once, full wakefulness coming to her as she looked around. "Hey...yeah. Where is he?"

A piece of paper fluttered into her lap.

'I'm having a little trouble getting to our young Mr Potter. Hold on a minute.'

Ginny showed the note to the other two. "Why trouble? She/he/it got me and you guys quick enough."

Another piece of paper fluttered down. 'Harry was doing magic when I first tried, and I can't transport anyone doing magic at the time. It gets negated. By the way, I'm a she. Here we go.'

"What in blazes...." Ginny muttered as she looked at the odd note. And then a flash of light, similar to when Ginny came in, filled their vision. When it faded away, Harry was in the room.

He was also curled up on the floor, blood trickling from a cut near his hairline, his robes scorched and a smell of burnt cloth hanging around him.

Ginny shrieked, "Harry!" and she was next to the prone boy, checking him over. Holmes and Lestrade were soon beside him as well. With the expert certainty of a trained police officer, Lestrade examined Harry.

"Burns - not too heavy - and a pretty nasty gash -- what the hell happened to you, kid?"

Harry's green eyes flickered open. "M...Malfoy...duel...." he said, then began to cough.

"Malfoy!" Ginny repeated, her voice shrill. "Oh great - you snuck off again to fight him. (Curae!) Why did you do that, Harry, I bet he cheated or something, didn't you learn anything from your first year?"

"Oh stop it, Gin, you're sounding like Hermione," groaned Harry. "I suppose she was the one who told you about first year?" He was sitting up now, Ginny's spell having cured most of his injuries. He cradled his wrist a little tenderly, though.

"Who's Malfoy?" Holmes asked, looking quite relaxed now that he was sure the boy was in no danger.

"A git," Harry replied succinctly, borrowing his friend Ron's favorite word.

"An evil conniving Slytherin boy with the most obnoxious family in the world, and he and Harry have been enemies since they met," Ginny said furiously, in a rapid-fire stream of words. Harry looked at her in amazement, until he remembered that the entire Weasley family had a grudge against the Malfoys - and Lucius Malfoy had been the one to give her the diary...

Another piece of paper fluttered down. 'Yes, Harry's had another run-in with Draco. They remind me a bit of another set of rivals, don't you think? Anyway, here's the story.'

Harry sank down into the sofa beside Ginny. "I think I'd rather be back dueling with Malfoy." He sulked a bit. "I had just cast a good hex on him."

'He's at the moment petrified on the floor with his limbs completely encased in ice,' another note informed Harry. 'You won. Now shut up and review.'

The fic, instead of being read out loud by one of the characters, was projected onto a wall.

: Lestrade was cold, damp, cranky and
: suspecting the beginnings of a cold.

Lestrade: Oh joy. It's about us again. Why can't it ever be about you two?

Harry: There was that one from Mary Christmas, remember? (grimaces) Where I had to be Austin Powers.

Lestrade: Yeah, but that's one out of four!

Ginny: Hey, the author didn't give us her name.

(piece of paper flutters down) 'I'm Cyberwolf'

All: Oh.

Lestrade: (to rest) Ever heard of her?

All: (shake heads)

: Needless to say, it had been a somewhat
: less than stellar day.

Lestrade: Well, yes, being cold, wet and miserable is likely to put a damper on a day. Thanks for pointing that out.

Ginny: Why are you so angry? Nothing's bad happened so far. Actually, nothing's happened.

Holmes: Well, considering the trends of previous fics...

Lestrade: The fic starts off with me miserable! This is not what I'd call an auspicious beginning!

: She had just come from an encounter with
: Moriarty on the waterfront. The incident
: involved explosives, smuggled weapons and
: an attempt to drown her.

Holmes and Lestrade: (look grave)

Harry: ...he tried to kill you? (frowns) I hate murderers.

She shivered,
: once, in spite of the heating blanket
: draped over her shoulders and the mug of
: piping-hot chicken soup

Harry: (singing) Oh it's chicken lips and lizard hips
And alligator eyes
Monkey legs and buzzard eggs
And salamander fries
Rabbit ears and camel rears
And tasty toenail pies
Stir them all together
And it's mama's soup surprise!

Ginny and Lestrade: (stare at Harry)

Holmes: (half-smiling)

Ginny: That was one of the most disgusting songs I've ever heard.

Harry: Your brothers were the ones who taught it to me.

(courtesy of Watson)

Ginny: Is that the one Ron's supposed to replace? Isn't he a rowbohd? An imitation human?

Harry: More like a mechanical golem...

Ginny: Oh.

Holmes: I think Watson would be rather put out if he heard himself described as an imitation or as a golem.

Harry and Ginny: ^^;; No offense meant.

she held in between her hands.
: She would have drowned, had not Holmes
: managed to get her to shore.

Harry and Ginny: Go, Holmes!

Holmes: (looks at them suspiciously)

Lestrade: Oh sure. Holmes gets to save the day. I'm just the helpless damsel in distress.

Holmes: (gallantly and yet smirking) I'd never describe you as that, Lestrade.
(a beat)
...I value my life. I've lost it once already, you see.

AN: The intro-fic wasn't meant to be so long. It just...ran away. (sigh)

Oh, and the duel with Malfoy is a part of a HP fic I was writing. And I just wanted to put it in. Yeah.

Wolfie: So basically there's no reason, now is there?

...basically, yeah.

: And Moriarty, damn his soul

Harry: Get that curse right out of your fantasy novels, did you? I don't think that Lestrade would say that - more like...

Holmes: I would remind the young man that there are virgin ears present.

Ginny and Lestrade: (roll eyes)

Lestrade: Oh yes. Our delicate sensitive female minds could not take the abuse. I feel a swoon coming on.

Holmes: I meant minors among the readers.

: clones, especially clones of master
: criminals, had them)

Ginny: (raises hand) My vote's on no.

had escaped. ‘Oh
: well,’ she sighed to herself. ‘At least we
: managed to get that cache of smuggled
: weapons. And we did make a few arrests --
: just none of them Moriarty.’

Lestrade: (sighs) Ain't that always the case?

Holmes: (comfortingly) We will catch him one day...

Harry: That wascally wabbit.

Ginny: (looks confused)

Holmes: (rolls eyes)

: Now, here she was, recuperating at Holmes’
: flat - it was nearer than either New
: Scotland Yard headquarters or her own
: apartment.

Harry: Besides, every fic has to have something to do with 221B. That's the way the world works. It's like the thing with the park in Sailor Moon.

She was about to start on her
: chicken soup when the front door banged
: open. Slightly startled, she looked up to
: see the three Irregulars come crashing
: into 221B.

Lestrade: Doesn't Holmes ever lock the door?

Holmes: Apparently not in this story.

Harry: Aren't these Irregulars like, um, streetwise? Couldn't they pick the lock?

She had only enough time to
: note the generally shell-shocked
: expression on the boys’ faces and the
: absolutely beaming one on Deidre’s before
: the red-haired girl

Harry: Hey look, Gin. Another Weasley.

Ginny: Or maybe an Evans. Your mum was a redhead too, remember?

(piece of paper floats down) 'Potters can't seem to get away from redheads. It's genetic or something. At least according to fanfics.'

was in front of her,
: babbling happily.

: "Oh, I knew it, I did, I was right!"

Harry: (dryly) Sounds a little like Hermione.

Ginny: Herm's not that bad.

: "....what....?"

: "It’s finally ‘appened. I knew it would. I
: almost can’t believe it, though. I mean, I
: knew but at the same time you were so
: zedding...agh!

Lestrade: (Deidre) It's happened and it's so cool like whee! and isn't it great that it's happened huh isn't it, it's almost unbelievable but not because I do believe it and it's happened yay!

Holmes: Deidre does not talk like a valley girl.

Lestrade: No, but she sounds like one here.

Harry and Ginny: (laughing)

Well, I’m very ‘appy for you,
: Inspector. Congratulations!

Harry: (announcer) You may already be a millionaire!

Holmes and Lestrade: (chuckle)

Ginny: ...I don't get it.

I am so, so
: ‘appy that it finally happened...."
: Deidre was beginning to repeat herself in
: that long onrushing avalanche of jabber.
: Lestrade, knowing how smooth Deidre could
: be, regarded this as highly suspicious.

Holmes: She regards Deidre with suspicion regularly anyway.

: She could make neither heads nor tails of
: Deidre’s puzzling outpouring of
: enthusiasm, so...
: "Um, sorry to burst your bubble, kid. But we
: didn’t catch Moriarty."

Lestrade: (sighs)

: "I’m not talking about that," Deidre said
: impatiently, waving the matter off.

: "Then what in the zed are you talking
: about?" Lestrade demanded.

Harry: Yes, we'd like to know that too.

: "Why, that you and Mr Holmes finally got
: together!"

Holmes and Lestrade: (sputter)

Harry and Ginny: (give each other discreet grins)

Lestrade: Oh no. Not another of these authors! Don't they ever give up? -_-;;

: Lestrade nearly dropped her mug of soup.

Lestrade: Instead, she hurled it at Deidre.

Holmes: Violent much, Inspector?

Lestrade: Oh, you should see what other MSTers become when faced with fics.

Harry: Is that what we're called? MSTers?

Lestrade: Yes. I did some research on this sort of thing when I was in my own world.

: Silently, deliberately, she placed the soup
: on the surface of the nearby coffee-table.
: Equally slowly and deliberately, she
: turned to face the Irregulars.

: "What are you talking about?!" she repeated,
: only with a significant increase in
: volume.

Harry and Ginny: (mime being blown backwards by a gale)

Lestrade: Juvenile.

Harry: Well, we are. In age, I mean.

: Wiggins and Tennyson winced; Deidre seemed
: unaffected.

Lestrade: I wish that for once she'd listen to what I say.

Holmes: I think she does listen. She just doesn't follow.

Harry: Sort of like Fred and George and their adherence to school rules.

: "Oh come on. I know you’re always denying
: it,

Lestrade: Probably because it ISN'T TRUE!

but it’s a little late for that now,
: isn’t it? You may as well own up. We’ve
: got evidence!" She held up a photograph
: and Lestrade’s heart skipped.

Ginny: (singing) Lou, lou, skip to my lou,

Harry: (joins in) Skip to my lou, my darling.

Holmes: Well, that was pointless.

Harry: We've been gone too long without a riff.

: Her brain froze for precious seconds as she
: stared.

Lestrade: Thaw! Thaw, brain, thaw! Our dignity may depend on it!

Holmes: You do realize you are exhorting a part of a fictional you. That is not considered normal behavior.

Lestrade: We're stuck in a blue room and forced to read OOC....

Harry: (slyly) Are they?

Lestrade: Shut up, kid. As I was saying, OOC fics by some seemingly teleport-enabled anonymous power. What part of that do you find normal?

Thankfully, it returned to its
: normal state of functioning

Lestrade: Yes! Go, brain!

Holmes: (shakes head) This place is taking its toll on her sanity....

as she
: registered the triumphant smirk on that
: insufferable Deidre’s face.

Lestrade: Insufferable is the word.

: "Give me that!" Lestrade cried, lunging
: forward and snatching the photo out of
: Deidre’s hand. The bewildered inspector
: stared at the image of Holmes’ blond head
: bent over hers, his mouth against her own.

Harry and Ginny: (burst out laughing)

Harry: (through gasps of breath) Woo-hoo, go Holmes!

Holmes: (looking remarkably calm) I trust there is a reasonable, legitimate reason for this.

Lestrade: ....

: She’d been unconscious during the incident,
: but she knew what it was.

: "You zedding ninny! This isn’t a kiss, he
: was giving me mouth-to-mouth
: resucitation!"

Harry and Ginny: (sarcastically) Riiight.

Lestrade: That's the reason?

Holmes: I deduced as much.

Of course she’d assumed
: that she’d been revived by one of the
: medical team whom she had awakened to find
: all around her, so that photo was rather a
: shock...but she’d known at once what the
: picture was.

: "That’s a pretty imaginative excuse,
: Inspector," drawled Deidre, and Lestrade
: had to fight the urge to jump up and
: scream.

Lestrade: (eye twitching) Excuse?

Ginny: (thoughtfully) Well, it does sound like one. Bill said something like when mum found a picture of him and Imogen....

Harry: Oh, Ron's told me about that.

: Holmes entered the room then, blond hair
: lying rather flatter than normally against
: his head -- he’d just showered, rinsing off
: the seawater which he had jumped into.

Harry: (announcer) No one shall remain seated during the intense hair-description scene!

:He blinked once as Deidre ran to him, waving
: the photo in her hand. Lestrade stared at
: her own empty one. Damn -- she hadn’t even
: felt Deidre take it back.

Lestrade: (muttering) Once a thief...

: After having had the picture shoved into his
: face, Holmes began to give the same
: explanation Lestrade had -- only more
: calmly.

Harry: But it still sounded like an excuse.

Holmes: (looks balefully at Harry)

Harry: Heh. ^_^

Deidre seemed to take it with
: about the same amount of belief. Wiggins
: and Tennyson stood around silently,
: looking a little awkward.

Ginny: No offense to the two boys, but what purpose at all do they serve in the fic?

Lestrade saw
: mingled belief and doubt in their

Ginny: So they looked like they were convinced.

Holmes: Yes. Good lads.

Ginny: Except they looked like they weren't.

Harry: Apparently.

Ginny: This makes no sense at all.

Harry: What, you expected it?

: expressions and fumed silently. That
: zedding girl and her fast-talking!
: Fifteen minutes later, Lestrade left quietly
: through the front door. Holmes was still
: facing off with Deidre,

Harry: (announcer) Round one of Holmes versus Deidre! Ding ding!

("Well, what about
: the time when you and the Inspector....") but

Harry: When Holmes and the Inspector what?

Ginny: Yes, do go on.

Holmes: Don't you two want to get this over with?

Harry: Not as much as we want dirt on you two.

Lestrade: I am so looking forward to the next time. If it involves stories about you.

: she was able to catch his eye

Harry: (smirks) I could so say something...
(sees Lestrade's expression) but I won't.

Lestrade: (in a low voice) Good choice, kid.

and wave
: just before closing the door.
: As she drove home, anticipating a hot bath
: and a fresh change of clothing, she
: wondered. ‘Where did Deidre get that
: photo?’

Ginny: (Lestrade) I must know so I may hunt him down.

Holmes: Lestrade isn't that vicious.

Harry: Oh, no? (points to Lestrade's side of the couch, which has patches of upholstery torn out of it)

Holmes: We must make allowances for the strain this is having on her.

Lestrade: Would you zedding stop talking about me as if I weren't here?

Another, more frightening thought
: struck her. ‘Did she make copies?’

Ginny: And if so, could we get one?

: ***

: AN: There you have it.

Holmes: I'd like to give it back.

Harry: Corny, Mr Holmes.

Holmes, Ginny and Lestrade: (blink curiously) Corny?

Ginny: What's corn got to do with it?

Harry: (sighs)

I'm considering
: writing a short epilogue...what do you
: think?

Lestrade: I'd say, but as Holmes pointed out, there may be minors reading this.

On to the next Angel!

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