: And Moriarty, damn his soul
Harry: Get that curse right out of your fantasy novels, did you?
I don't think that Lestrade would say that - more like...
Holmes: I would remind the young man that there are virgin ears present.
Ginny and Lestrade: (roll eyes)
Lestrade: Oh yes. Our delicate sensitive female minds could not
take the abuse. I feel a swoon coming on.
Holmes: I meant minors among the readers.
: clones, especially clones of master
: criminals, had them)
Ginny: (raises hand) My vote's on no.
had escaped. ‘Oh
: well,’ she sighed to herself. ‘At least we
: managed to get that cache of smuggled
: weapons. And we did make a few arrests --
: just none of them Moriarty.’
Lestrade: (sighs) Ain't that always the case?
Holmes: (comfortingly) We will catch him one day...
Harry: That wascally wabbit.
Ginny: (looks confused)
Holmes: (rolls eyes)
: Now, here she was, recuperating at Holmes’
: flat - it was nearer than either New
: Scotland Yard headquarters or her own
Harry: Besides, every fic has to have something to do with 221B.
That's the way the world works. It's like the thing with the park in
She was about to start on her
: chicken soup when the front door banged
: open. Slightly startled, she looked up to
: see the three Irregulars come crashing
: into 221B.
Lestrade: Doesn't Holmes ever lock the door?
Holmes: Apparently not in this story.
Harry: Aren't these Irregulars like, um, streetwise? Couldn't they pick the lock?
She had only enough time to
: note the generally shell-shocked
: expression on the boys’ faces and the
: absolutely beaming one on Deidre’s before
: the red-haired girl
Harry: Hey look, Gin. Another Weasley.
Ginny: Or maybe an Evans. Your mum was a redhead too, remember?
(piece of paper floats down) 'Potters can't seem to get away from
redheads. It's genetic or something. At least according to fanfics.'
was in front of her,
: babbling happily.
: "Oh, I knew it, I did, I was right!"
Harry: (dryly) Sounds a little like Hermione.
Ginny: Herm's not that bad.
: "It’s finally ‘appened. I knew it would. I
: almost can’t believe it, though. I mean, I
: knew but at the same time you were so
Lestrade: (Deidre) It's happened and it's so cool like whee! and isn't it
great that it's happened huh isn't it, it's almost unbelievable but not
because I do believe it and it's happened yay!
Holmes: Deidre does not talk like a valley girl.
Lestrade: No, but she sounds like one here.
Harry and Ginny: (laughing)
Well, I’m very ‘appy for you,
: Inspector. Congratulations!
Harry: (announcer) You may already be a millionaire!
Holmes and Lestrade: (chuckle)
Ginny: ...I don't get it.
I am so, so
: ‘appy that it finally happened...."
: Deidre was beginning to repeat herself in
: that long onrushing avalanche of jabber.
: Lestrade, knowing how smooth Deidre could
: be, regarded this as highly suspicious.
Holmes: She regards Deidre with suspicion regularly anyway.
: She could make neither heads nor tails of
: Deidre’s puzzling outpouring of
: enthusiasm, so...
: "Um, sorry to burst your bubble, kid. But we
: didn’t catch Moriarty."
: "I’m not talking about that," Deidre said
: impatiently, waving the matter off.
: "Then what in the zed are you talking
: about?" Lestrade demanded.
Harry: Yes, we'd like to know that too.
: "Why, that you and Mr Holmes finally got
Holmes and Lestrade: (sputter)
Harry and Ginny: (give each other discreet grins)
Lestrade: Oh no. Not another of these authors! Don't they ever give up? -_-;;
: Lestrade nearly dropped her mug of soup.
Lestrade: Instead, she hurled it at Deidre.
Holmes: Violent much, Inspector?
Lestrade: Oh, you should see what other MSTers become when faced with fics.
Harry: Is that what we're called? MSTers?
Lestrade: Yes. I did some research on this sort of thing when I was in my own world.
: Silently, deliberately, she placed the soup
: on the surface of the nearby coffee-table.
: Equally slowly and deliberately, she
: turned to face the Irregulars.
: "What are you talking about?!" she repeated,
: only with a significant increase in
Harry and Ginny: (mime being blown backwards by a gale)
Harry: Well, we are. In age, I mean.
: Wiggins and Tennyson winced; Deidre seemed
Lestrade: I wish that for once she'd listen to what I say.
Holmes: I think she does listen. She just doesn't follow.
Harry: Sort of like Fred and George and their adherence to school rules.
: "Oh come on. I know you’re always denying
Lestrade: Probably because it ISN'T TRUE!
but it’s a little late for that now,
: isn’t it? You may as well own up. We’ve
: got evidence!" She held up a photograph
: and Lestrade’s heart skipped.
Ginny: (singing) Lou, lou, skip to my lou,
Harry: (joins in) Skip to my lou, my darling.
Holmes: Well, that was pointless.
Harry: We've been gone too long without a riff.
: Her brain froze for precious seconds as she
Lestrade: Thaw! Thaw, brain, thaw! Our dignity may depend on it!
Holmes: You do realize you are exhorting a part of a fictional you.
That is not considered normal behavior.
Lestrade: We're stuck in a blue room and forced to read OOC....
Harry: (slyly) Are they?
Lestrade: Shut up, kid. As I was saying, OOC fics by some seemingly
teleport-enabled anonymous power. What part of that do you find normal?
Thankfully, it returned to its
: normal state of functioning
Lestrade: Yes! Go, brain!
Holmes: (shakes head) This place is taking its toll on her sanity....
: registered the triumphant smirk on that
: insufferable Deidre’s face.
Lestrade: Insufferable is the word.
: "Give me that!" Lestrade cried, lunging
: forward and snatching the photo out of
: Deidre’s hand. The bewildered inspector
: stared at the image of Holmes’ blond head
: bent over hers, his mouth against her own.
Harry and Ginny: (burst out laughing)
Harry: (through gasps of breath) Woo-hoo, go Holmes!
Holmes: (looking remarkably calm) I trust there is a reasonable,
legitimate reason for this.
: She’d been unconscious during the incident,
: but she knew what it was.
: "You zedding ninny! This isn’t a kiss, he
: was giving me mouth-to-mouth
Harry and Ginny: (sarcastically) Riiight.
Lestrade: That's the reason?
Holmes: I deduced as much.
Of course she’d assumed
: that she’d been revived by one of the
: medical team whom she had awakened to find
: all around her, so that photo was rather a
: shock...but she’d known at once what the
: picture was.
: "That’s a pretty imaginative excuse,
: Inspector," drawled Deidre, and Lestrade
: had to fight the urge to jump up and
Lestrade: (eye twitching) Excuse?
Ginny: (thoughtfully) Well, it does sound like one.
Bill said something like when mum found a picture of him and Imogen....
Harry: Oh, Ron's told me about that.
: Holmes entered the room then, blond hair
: lying rather flatter than normally against
: his head -- he’d just showered, rinsing off
: the seawater which he had jumped into.
Harry: (announcer) No one shall remain seated during the intense
:He blinked once as Deidre ran to him, waving
: the photo in her hand. Lestrade stared at
: her own empty one. Damn -- she hadn’t even
: felt Deidre take it back.
Lestrade: (muttering) Once a thief...
: After having had the picture shoved into his
: face, Holmes began to give the same
: explanation Lestrade had -- only more
Harry: But it still sounded like an excuse.
Holmes: (looks balefully at Harry)
Harry: Heh. ^_^
Deidre seemed to take it with
: about the same amount of belief. Wiggins
: and Tennyson stood around silently,
: looking a little awkward.
Ginny: No offense to the two boys, but what purpose at all do
they serve in the fic?
: mingled belief and doubt in their
Ginny: So they looked like they were convinced.
Holmes: Yes. Good lads.
Ginny: Except they looked like they weren't.
Ginny: This makes no sense at all.
Harry: What, you expected it?
: expressions and fumed silently. That
: zedding girl and her fast-talking!
: Fifteen minutes later, Lestrade left quietly
: through the front door. Holmes was still
: facing off with Deidre,
Harry: (announcer) Round one of Holmes versus Deidre! Ding ding!
("Well, what about
: the time when you and the Inspector....") but
Harry: When Holmes and the Inspector what?
Ginny: Yes, do go on.
Holmes: Don't you two want to get this over with?
Harry: Not as much as we want dirt on you two.
Lestrade: I am so looking forward to the next time.
If it involves stories about you.
: she was able to catch his eye
Harry: (smirks) I could so say something...
(sees Lestrade's expression) but I won't.
Lestrade: (in a low voice) Good choice, kid.
: just before closing the door.
: As she drove home, anticipating a hot bath
: and a fresh change of clothing, she
: wondered. ‘Where did Deidre get that
Ginny: (Lestrade) I must know so I may hunt him down.
Holmes: Lestrade isn't that vicious.
Harry: Oh, no? (points to Lestrade's side of the couch, which has
patches of upholstery torn out of it)
Holmes: We must make allowances for the strain this is having on
Lestrade: Would you zedding stop talking about me as if I weren't
Another, more frightening thought
: struck her. ‘Did she make copies?’
Ginny: And if so, could we get one?
: AN: There you have it.
Holmes: I'd like to give it back.
Harry: Corny, Mr Holmes.
Holmes, Ginny and Lestrade: (blink curiously) Corny?
Ginny: What's corn got to do with it?
: writing a short epilogue...what do you
Lestrade: I'd say, but as Holmes pointed out, there may be minors reading this.